The Big Word "D"

Dilemma Dear diary, here comes the chapter where I have been waiting for to write after plenty of trial and errors in dating. The latest one, the youngest and the most simple one I have ever dated, a historian student who lead a simple no worry take it as it is life comes type of background from a well protected family, a strong catholic believer. All these years I have been yearning for a guy who is simple, young and doesn’t pay much attention to his clothes, appearance and status. Finally god blessed me one and much to my surprise, my heart was in doubt as to whether he is the one for me. Deep down inside my heart, I am so afraid he is not actually who I am looking for, and my materialistic nature kicks in reminding me if he is the one you really want, who checked the box at the bottom of the list, not the top. Well, the top ones on the list are as you know me, wealth and appearance and bottom being the inner soul. They say, you can never have both, it’s just either one. As the old Chinese saying goes, either beauty or wealth but in this case, either heart or wealth. It is so hard for me to choose, my heart tells me one thing and the next minute another thing. I had him confused last night, very much to his despair almost close to getting rid of me. At one point, I almost wanted to give up letting his heart off but my self conscious kicks in, forcing hopes in my voice, instilling promises I never thought I would hence lighting up his despair to graceful hope. I feel guilty doing that but it is so difficult for me to confess. If I do it again, muddle with his feelings, it will smash him so badly and his finals are around the corner, I don’t want to be responsible for his regrets, failure or sorrows. I am evil enough to have sent the unsure doubtful signals and not wanting to cost him his course, his only life goal at the moment after been travelling so far from Ireland. Home wrecker, bad ass, slut crazy insane bitch which I have been but not a life smasher and no, I am not gonna be one destroying his future. He is a good caring gentle guy but why I never see future with him, why is it so murky and cloudy unlike other guys on grindr although I know they are just after sex. Looking at the jesus Christ cruxifixed picture in the museum today reminds me of thousand endless sins I have committed that I din realise, the cross he was carrying, suddenly hit my head telling me that all the burdens and sins I had in the past, it is endless and beyond my great expectation. I thought I have done good in my life but it is the opposite and that’s when the 3rd prophecy I had been told when I was young came resonating in my brain: no family, no children and difficult to find a faithful partner. Another thing I realised the other night while skyping was I wanted to be in his shoes, the opposite ones who is being spoilt and not the one to spoil. In another word I like to be pampered by someone who is wealthy enough to do that for me. For instance, my close friends friend has recently announced the wedding bell not long after they engaged. The diamond ring is as big as a solid rock, the one you can find in the beach and in the picture, the diamond outweights her beauty. She is pretty damsel herself who knows how to look after herself, talented with a degree and definitely a wife’s material. Her husband would be is so out from her league, in fact totally out of her league in terms of look but then again, bachelor guy with stable big fortune income plus wealthy family background who lives in a house no one can ever resist not to stay there for more than a night, much bigger and modern than any ordinary studio apartment. So when it comes to the big question, proposal to tie your heart down with grounds offer like that, the temptation is too much not to say yes, and yes she said as predicted. At the meantime while looking at another couple from the other perspective, both of them come from average class family with stable income and of course with a degree, a professional degree. Both of them have been with each other since student in university and still going strong till now. Sad to say, both of them will part soon due to jobs. She is a career minded woman who never gives up on her job for a housewife to be at home, who cooks for her husband, ready for morning breakfast and tidy up the sheets and spring-cleaning after laundry. Her boyfriend or fiancée future to be is much very interested in getting her to take after his mother. Sad to say, she is so different from what he wants her to be after marriage and obviously, the children she said two but her husband said 7! Yes, seven that it is. The arguments and debate between them too is logical and sensible and sometimes, I could not even decide which one to side as a friend, torn in between so I just did what is best, when you say nothing at all. The trick, silence is golden really works. That moment of silence, is like a mirror, for themselves to reflect on about what each other think about it. They do not show it but they do ponder the thoughts suggested trying to meet each other demands or hopes I should put it. In connection to me with all these fuss and rhetorical ideas, if only I can select what I want. The first couple, I would want wealth, stable and of course the elegant family background. The one who enjoy pampering me and the jewellery, absolute yes. The second couple, the role which the guy expect me to take and brainy decent appearance. As much as I want as mentioned above, luxurious pampered life everyone striving hard to get, they called it an American dream: white picket fences bungalow house, dogs in the yard running and children chasing dreams, I want stability, security and a promising aspect in life. Let’s dwelled in the first subject, security! What makes you feel secure, define security. Let’s see, from my point of view, it means to keep you safe and feel safe all the time. When unexpected things or events occur, you have to energy and the will to resolve and including picking up the repercussions of action following the decision you made. It could be as simple as moving to a new place, deciding where to settle down your life as well as your career, what you do for living. The next question that follows, what keep you safe? In what aspect you need to have or to possess to feel safe. Is being on your own with a secured professional job enough to keep you warmth comfy with no sorrows the next day although you have the huge king sized bed all by yourself at night. So job is one of them. The next, family or next of kin. As weird as it sounds, some people function well among the family, it is almost close to what we called as niche. Your very own comfort zone, never goes out of it, you just know they are always there, will be there for whatever things you count on. Another word for it, kindred spirit. Here comes the next subject, the most rhetorical ones in the century, no one knows what is the answer to it, brain always play tricks, complicated and hard to tell, who to believe, the scientist? The lovers who have been together for years and still strong? The psychologist who defines everything trying hard to arrive a diagnosis for treatment? Your mum who always ask you to follow your gut feelings and nagging your every movement making sure you are perfect the way you are? Your friend who reminds you love will come one day and it is sooner than you thought which in fact I have been hearing that for years now and still sounding in my brain? The doctor, who asked you to keep your priority rights in life? The married couple, too busy to elaborate the meaning of love trying to keep the hyper active children at bay? Yes the key subject in this paragraph, love. I know I have been babbling about love a lot in all my columns, nevertheless it is the subject of importance. It makes you feel secure, hyper and hypo, roller coaster ride, exciting and the closest hurts the most, the loveliest gestures taste sweeter than sugar. In chinese, the old saying goes, water is enough to keep you full when you are in love. In line of the continuation as above, the other day I was working, just a typical normal day where you had enough time for a craic with one of my colleaques. One of the things she said catch my attention as to I did not see that coming out from her mouth. Yes, She did it the same as none other than my friends, the good one will come to you and you will find a good one the sort of nonsense comforting talk. First of all, I did not even open up to her my vulnerability despite searching for years, trying hard and far to find the perfect one. Here comes again, Did I just say the word perfect? I had no idea where did that come from neither as the other people who heard the conversation as I was not desperate to have one. At the moment, I have a lot on my plates to worry about, my career outmost the love subject because I was not the lucky one who was born with the golden spoon, relentless worries of whether there will be enough food tomorrow. To be fair, she could sense something was not right as she is as smart as rocket scientist but one step behind Einstein as she has married with one wee boy. A single parents family, not unusual in this country where you see countless of family with similar up-growing.

complicated or delusional

Well, it’s the time of the year again, Xmas around the corner, booze, family gathering for some, those who are married with enormous children at home wagging their tongue for festive meals, big giant turkey and sweet dessert. For some, it means Xmas night out with friends prior to the celebration of virgin Mary’s son, Jesus Christ. While some having celebration with booze, for me a farewell dinner before I leave for a better job prospect. At the dinner table, comes the gal who claimed relationship a problem, the exact word she describes, complicated yet she still lingers for the hopes she has been on lingering for more than six months, yes 6 months! She has given all she could ever possible or someone could have ever asked before. All the good deals start with the big “C”s, in fact more than just one C. Never mind the age gap, the culture and the parental factors as she is able to take up the challenge. One could only envy what she has to offer but the main key point here missing is the chemistry. Like the old proverb goes, it takes two for the keys to click and believe it or not, I trust the key-lock hypothesis. It is only the right key to the happiness to unlock the right lock. Yes, there is only one key for everyone. Different bearers have different shapes, colour and to match the brand too. Me on the other hand, has been struggled to find the right key, the ultimate one despite endlessly aiming for 5 years. Ups and downs like a roller coaster, it was an exciting rough ride. Regardless of the drama entailing the ride, there is always a person sitting next to me in the ride. That’s my best pal ever I met throughout my years being abroad. As I am writing this piece, I am up in the sky, over thousands of attitudes awaiting a thousand over miles journey before I could call home for Xmas. Boarding the airline might give you a surprise. What looks in the inside doesn’t always give you the whole story as it is a whole different feel inside. Decorations in line with the festive mood, peak season does not come free without children, sometimes wonder could it be a tears of joy or cursed tie down trapped freedom. One thing that smirks me off is the wee soft toy hanging in the aisle . It’s frosty, the snowman and now the red suit bearded over weight guy we know as Santa Claus. The flight was a full house, with a miniature TV in every seat except the front row with no leaning seats in the front. The food, I would rate 7 out of 10.The presentation is better than airway I have been in. Silver solid cutlery was given with the aroma spicy curry on board, savoury rice and lastly complementary dessert. My favourite bit. All-right too much babbling, time to revert to the topic we discussed earlier, the complicated delusional one has on for hopes, faith and slowly fades into profound memory. There was coffee discussion between her and her complicated yet to know potential date, not a step forward to partner. One willing to compromise but the others feel bad when she compromise, yes the guilt will eat her up as the sacrifice is too big, might costs her whole life. Decision, tougher than you could imagine. Most often than not, in our lives, choices are options. Back in those old days, there was never a question of options. People just do after what they have been told. No question, no doubts policy. You just need to find a way to adapt your way through. If success, well done and if fail, a shame in Asian culture and try your best again in Western. In the end of it, it is the love that holds two together, not money, not asset, not friendship. Wait a minute, Did I just say friendship. Where has the old motto gone, value friendship more than relationship. The golden rule I always applied whenever envy kicks in. I guess it is an excuse others, single potential bachelor used to make them feel much better and secure with the words “ who needs a partner when you have mate”. Easier said than done, mellowness starts to kick in when you are away from home, be it studies, business purpose or a better job prospect. The time when you reached for the phone, it goes to voice mail. Mates gone home for gathering, the once a year festive gathering and when you come home, you realised there was no one at home, empty, cold and blackness engulfing the whole apartment, leaving you to linger your plan the next minute. That is the time where you desperately get on the line to call home and later little did you find out that no one is at home, left a voice mail unanswered until tomorrow afternoon listening to the joyful cracks your mum was telling you and the fun she had on a night out. You begin to wonder, is this the sort of life you want to live? Speaking of her, she has all the good “KIKI”s a girl could ever ask for, or should I use the word dying for. Of all the goodness, it has been enriched in the wrong place, the wrong person and the wrong time. Let’s break it into pieces, shall we? Family affair no longer an issue she should be concerned about, out and proud. Financial situation, let me put it in this way, driving an Audi car with a stable job with a title in the front of her name. Sounds a good deal. There are three things she mentioned in the relationship, ground rules set up by her future “counter part”. Such she vividly reminded mutual respect, compromise and the last one is not on top my head now. Nevertheless, it seemed that she was set up with the conditions without her thoughts on it. They say love is blind, as far as the eyes can see. Its true, when you are deeply or grossly emotionally stuck to someone, all you see is denial. However the reasons are, there would be always the positive side of the story when the signals are clearly heading towards asking her to step back, get out and the sooner she realised it the better in situ with the popular “ She’s just not that into you” film. Sounds familiar, yes it is for me “ He’s just not that into you” Nobody said it was easy, such a shame they have to part. Running in circles, catching up on each other’s tail, isn’t she sick and tired of repeating the cycle again and over again. As for me, you have already subconsciously guessed the answer. Yes, it makes my gut wrench and spasm occasionally. The most difficult part for me to go back to square one, restart everything again from scratch. It scared and in fact, some people find it terrifying to have to rebuilt your comfort zone when it is either broken or invaded. Unless, you are the primadonna, never your fault no matter how much you play. Now standing in the front of the aisle, not too far from the loo, standing a father with a child. Child not behaving, running like a tarzan hence baby hugs to get rid of the madness which I foreseen hopefully would not happen.