Total Eclipse of the Heart

There is not a thought of where and how to start. Nevertheless, I do know I fall flat for it, the love. Many people have the idea that relationship starts from friendship and not the fairy tale, love at first sight. If fairy tale never ever existed, where is the truth of infamous Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, the well-known hopeless romantic total fictional story ever been told. However, the story I am about to tell is not fictional, a boy who is striving hard to keep the guy he really loves at bay, perhaps falling for him although he could be a prick sometimes. It started from the popular cruising app, with the misnomer G word, thank you to the widget app, god bless smart phone. I still remember vividly, the first time he ever spoke to me, sending countless of thoughtful messages and not to mention, too fast for me to scan through. As much as tedious as I had to reply, my subconscious kicks in telling me this guy is not just any other cruisers, something about him intrigued me. Before I move on telling you the aftermath, I shall tell you I am a kind of person looking for love, not too desperate, I could still live without a man in my life, except my dad for now. A guy with substance is my answer whenever the question of seeking pops out and hallelujah, I thought finally god has mercy on me after years of driving my wheel cornering. To put a twist on my drama, we actually knew each other on Xmas day, the joyous occasion. Yes, the giving and receiving time of the year although undeniably I rather receive than to give. His name is K, he is one of the kind who is discreet, given the nature of his job, a privacy and confidentiality are strictly up adhered. For once I actually thought he was what he claimed, public icon. Anyway, back to the time we knew each other chatting on the popular cruising app. It was decent of him trying hard to be sincere in every word of his, afraid he might say something rude which dispute off my attention towards him. I would not say it was a sweet talk, it was more like “I want to get to know you better and more” sort of conversation, strictly no sex talk. Frankly speaking, sometimes when I missed his witty charm, I would look back on the conversation and the feelings of it, just incomparable with other chatters. He is blunt, with no malicious intention behind, the least I could sense it. As time goes, from cruising app to the chat app, a more personal user friendly chat with somebody you have added, known as What’s app. So to take things further, we conversed in the app as he did not like the cruising app. It was good and very stimulating chat at first, witty jokes, charming flirtatious personality and I find his voice adorable, like a wee boy asking for a candy. Part of his charm which attracted me. Our subsequent conversation did not run the way I expected it to be. Conflicts of opinion started to arise, argument as to who is right and wrong stirred up. Both defensives, neither one of us would compromise and the golden “apologize”, seemed to be the hardest word of all to speak. Never mind the conflicts, but the time. Comes the new year not long after Xmas, I was expecting the best and also hoping for the best. The repercussion of it, fall full flat on the floor like a piece of metal piercing through my heart. It was unbearable and he almost took away my new year’s mood. I will let you be the judge of it and the story goes like this: in one of the conversations a few days prior to new year, I somehow picked up hints from him that he might be free on weekends to spend some good quality time together to find out each other more. Being a melodramatic person as I am, I thought he would be the best new year’s gift ever in my life. Recap, every new year’s eve, I would either be working or went to bed early to get ready for the morning blues work. Yep, no booze, no party nor celebration as most of my friends were home, taking time off to see their folks. My family doesn’t believe in Jesus and new year therefore new year mood is never around at home. They say, the higher your hope is, the more despair you will be. Yes, I bought this theory when he did not show any signs of his usual caring thoughtful manner 48 hours prior to new year. On the new year’s eve, I almost very close to nerve breaking down. The accusations started to throw, flying around as to whether he really cared bout me. I broke down in tears, hoping he would at least speak to me on new year but instead he was cooking by himself at home and invited his colleaque over to celebrate. I was so gutted when he did that. So so damn gutted, frustration took over me. The feelings of trust started to dissipate, less and less conversation through the phone. I confessed at times I was dumb to let my computer on for 72 hours hoping at least an email from him or checking my phone every 5 minutes to see his text. One week passed, no news from him and I decided to take the leap to text him first and in return, just one word, “busy”. I was extremely frustrated and this is the second time after the big shenanigan new year. I guess, he is just not that into me. What is over is over. Time to bin off all the promises, words and witty charms of his for good. I went on various dates, to get rid of him constantly playing in my mind. Nevertheless, I just could not let him off my mind and finally, I gave in another chance. This time, he promised to meet me at the end of the month so I waited patiently with no fuss in between. Texts were normal, nothing flowery and impressive. I knew this was not working but I persisted to stick to him. The date he promised to meet arrived. Much to my super angry out of frustration feeling hopeless, he blew me off the date saying he was busy with a rather big project. At the moment, I felt like a dumb blonde, waiting just to meet him counting down the minutes and hours every day. I phoned him directly telling him it is over, he is the factor to our date and he did not manage his time properly. I deleted him off from my list and blocked him on the cruising app. Much to my surprise, he texted me two months after that when I completely had him off my mind for good. In his text, he said he missed my voice and my laughter. Besides, he told me he had a chance to move close to the place where my job was relocated. My reaction was “too corny too be true’. I smirked and replied with “good luck”, continued my running exercise. That moment, I felt glad not because he texted me despite the massive argument 2 months ago and not even because he pulling off his charming words on me. It was because I did not have the urge feelings anymore towards him, the feeling of wanting him back. I felt really glad it was finally over, no more tears and I had successfully moved on.

I MisS yOu

It has been a few months since we last talk about our stuff...sharing jokes..making sweet kisses to one another..but out of sudden...you just dissapear out of nowhere...vanish in the air..with no news about you...leaving me lingering about you all the time..keep thinking...your whereabout....your chat...your monkey stunts you used to pull..I miss you....everything..please come back to me...I want you back.

BEREAVEMENT

Dear Life,

It's the second day since the tragic death of my beloved maternal grandma. Nothing has changed, I mean my feelings. Bereavement stage is supposed to be kicking in now but am I really in? I have no idea whether I am in the middle of grieving the lost for I feel that I did not feel as sad I am supposed to be. People always talk about the stages of bereavement and how one has to encounter enormous emotions and phase before actually accepting the fact that something which has gone is gone, forever eternity. What seemed to be missing is what precedes bereavement? What signs may indicate a person will be going to the first stage of bereavement or starting to feel the grief? No one knows. The answer is murky, no clear cut as to what point to bereavement.

If only I know when will I bereave, I would have not twisted my own mind over and over again asking myself when is the right time for me to do so.

Hopefully, (again have to be optimistic although I don't seriously 100% feel so) the answer will resurface soon.

ILL-THRIVEN CRISIS

Dear Life,

I can't believe it's time to write again despite all my efforts trying to keep myself off from the blog, taking my mind off unseen unfortunate events that keep landing on me. Yes, like a drama, eventful series unfolding one by one and blues creeping out one by one. I don't even know where and how to begin my story.

Just one hour ago, I received the most shocking news ever this year, my beloved grandma passed away. Not a natural death, a tragic death from neglected late stroke diagnosis. Guess what is more tragic...I din even get the chance to see her one last time before she got burial. There isn't a word I can think of at the moment to describe how should I be feeling and what am I supposed to do....there isn't even any suggestion of what can i do to make things better among everyone who grieves the lost. Nothing but numbness and dismay drowning me myself in the room alone...time to cry again? No...I have cried way too much just before this new year for things that did not work out and much to my promise that i will pull myself together for this new year...time to rant again? No....I have been rattling non stop bargaining my state of life with god given the financial crisis as well as personal crisis that somehow never stop landing on me....is it time to be sombre and down myself a little? no again as emptiness and sadness are not new to me anymore since the biggest turmoil failure in my life happened much to my horror surprise. All I am saying is.....these things that make us feel inferior to ourselves and keeping us away from our comfort zone numb me. You must be thinking...such a insensitive prick I am with no feelings or emotions that a normal person should have reacted on receiving unexpected nightmares news. Truth is....after a repetitive cycle of despair hit you over and over again...you lose yourself on the road. It's like hands on the wheel in a car, you keep spinning with no sense of where-about you want to go but your conscious mind tells you to keep doing it, don't care where you are heading...don't care where are you..don't care bout the traffic. Just keep doing what you are doing. It's like a zombie...physically intact with out of your mind.

Honestly speaking, I wish i can be as insensitive too all these as i wish to be but in reality, I am a super sensitive big weeper, always stranded emotionally with bad news, turmoils, tragic death, failures and hopeless grades. When is this gonna end? When is this gonna change? Be optimistic about the future? easier said than done when you don't see it happening. Do something bout it instead of grumbling? Yes..I have done all I can within my limit capacity but still...nothing has changed. What more else can i do? Pray to god and meditate? Yes..I have done that but things got worse and I am so afraid that i would lose faith in the religion that i always believe in. What else can I do? Talking to people bout my problems....yes tried that...been a joy killer before in many times in many ways. Retail therapy? never try that but it is reserved for those born with golden spoon in their mouth blessed with unlimited credit card quota. Treasure my life as life is too short...nothing much for me to treasure except thanking the basic needs I have and there wont be any treasure left after my last breath. Just so what more can I do? alcohol or smoking? typical solutions to get rid of problems but also the "gateway" to drugs and addiction but i never have the guts to do that...too chicken and too enlightened by the harmful consequences. Antidepressant? I never touch medications unless my health deteriorates bad enough for ventilator's machine. The last resort....as anyone could have guessed is taking your own life to end it once and for all. Does it sound like a selfish act....no concerns over ppl who care about your life. The truth again, I cant afford to die as I still have many unresolved business, monetary and non-monetary loans to give back, responsibility I promised and on top of that, to the people who give my life.

Do all these problems; achievement failure, personal life crisis, stunted finance, tragic death, disappointments, upsetting those who are close and matters you the most..considered as a single source of stress? Can you tie all these into one single stress as such you wont have to deal each of of them but just one? Wouldn't it be easier to deal with one rather than more than just one?

All I know right now, I am so knackered coping with all these disasters which apparently never know when is the full stop. Perhaps coping isn't the right word....as no measures yet that I could use to cope...tumbling down may be the better words.

ROOM TO MOVE ABOUT?

Freedom bound disease.

Arthritis, a disease with a broad range of chronic disorders characterized by idiopathic origins affecting primarily the joint has a huge impact on one's life. For example, the case of an 85-year-old married woman, who used to be outgoing in her early 40, has had an unexpected turnover in her life after diagnosing with rheumatoid arthritis. For the past 40 years, she had struggled to cope with the changes in her life. Although the disease had been with her for almost 4 decades, she is still adjusting.

Her life began to take its toll when she noticed redness on both her hands followed by the stiffness of the joints in the morning prior to the rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis. The lost of her gripping power was the first physical limitation manifested and it progressively became worst when her arms were too painful to lift up. In addition to that, failure to move her fingers intricately compromised her favorite job of sewing. Consequently, she quit not only the job but also her hobby of teaching people to sew. After a few years downing with the burden, restriction of walking distance started to build up as swelling on her knee joints made her tender on getting from one place to another even in the vicinity of her room. From squatting to sitting in the toilet and walking to sitting more often had been slowly replacing her normal daily routine. Besides, sometimes imbalance came out of nowhere and it was hard for her to make a turn.

Having all these functional physical loss, she withdrew from the active participation such as letting go of her post in women's institution and absent for any of the launched organization. A drastic change swept through her social life from once being an extrovert to an introvert state. Fortunately, she had two supportive and caring sons living with her. In terms of her marriage, it was not fruitful as her husband passed away a few years after she came down with the arthritis but she inherited a big fortune from the husband's will. As a result, her financial wise was not an obstacle to her living although she was unemployed.

As the disease progressed, the rheumatic nodules deposition on the elbow and joints between the phalanges became more apparent. She claimed to have cosmetic problems in dressing herself up for any social events and found it emotionally hard being a "different" person. However, she did overcome the turmoil of accepting it with the assistance of the family members' support. In fact, the love from her children was enough to pull her strength back in dealing with the obstacles.

With the advancing of her diseased state, her dosage immune modulation medications advanced up as well. She experienced poor wound healing, easy bruising on her skin with just a minor scratch and dry eyes. As a part of the therapy regimen, she had had her blood withdrawn out every 4 weeks and it was dreadful getting needles mark on the arms.

After going through all these years, she was glad to have her sons to be there when she needs them. Finally, she hoped that one day someone would come out with a cure for rheumatoid arthritis to ease the sufferings of having it.

After all, it's a scary disease to have.