ILL-THRIVEN CRISIS

Dear Life,

I can't believe it's time to write again despite all my efforts trying to keep myself off from the blog, taking my mind off unseen unfortunate events that keep landing on me. Yes, like a drama, eventful series unfolding one by one and blues creeping out one by one. I don't even know where and how to begin my story.

Just one hour ago, I received the most shocking news ever this year, my beloved grandma passed away. Not a natural death, a tragic death from neglected late stroke diagnosis. Guess what is more tragic...I din even get the chance to see her one last time before she got burial. There isn't a word I can think of at the moment to describe how should I be feeling and what am I supposed to do....there isn't even any suggestion of what can i do to make things better among everyone who grieves the lost. Nothing but numbness and dismay drowning me myself in the room alone...time to cry again? No...I have cried way too much just before this new year for things that did not work out and much to my promise that i will pull myself together for this new year...time to rant again? No....I have been rattling non stop bargaining my state of life with god given the financial crisis as well as personal crisis that somehow never stop landing on me....is it time to be sombre and down myself a little? no again as emptiness and sadness are not new to me anymore since the biggest turmoil failure in my life happened much to my horror surprise. All I am saying is.....these things that make us feel inferior to ourselves and keeping us away from our comfort zone numb me. You must be thinking...such a insensitive prick I am with no feelings or emotions that a normal person should have reacted on receiving unexpected nightmares news. Truth is....after a repetitive cycle of despair hit you over and over again...you lose yourself on the road. It's like hands on the wheel in a car, you keep spinning with no sense of where-about you want to go but your conscious mind tells you to keep doing it, don't care where you are heading...don't care where are you..don't care bout the traffic. Just keep doing what you are doing. It's like a zombie...physically intact with out of your mind.

Honestly speaking, I wish i can be as insensitive too all these as i wish to be but in reality, I am a super sensitive big weeper, always stranded emotionally with bad news, turmoils, tragic death, failures and hopeless grades. When is this gonna end? When is this gonna change? Be optimistic about the future? easier said than done when you don't see it happening. Do something bout it instead of grumbling? Yes..I have done all I can within my limit capacity but still...nothing has changed. What more else can i do? Pray to god and meditate? Yes..I have done that but things got worse and I am so afraid that i would lose faith in the religion that i always believe in. What else can I do? Talking to people bout my problems....yes tried that...been a joy killer before in many times in many ways. Retail therapy? never try that but it is reserved for those born with golden spoon in their mouth blessed with unlimited credit card quota. Treasure my life as life is too short...nothing much for me to treasure except thanking the basic needs I have and there wont be any treasure left after my last breath. Just so what more can I do? alcohol or smoking? typical solutions to get rid of problems but also the "gateway" to drugs and addiction but i never have the guts to do that...too chicken and too enlightened by the harmful consequences. Antidepressant? I never touch medications unless my health deteriorates bad enough for ventilator's machine. The last resort....as anyone could have guessed is taking your own life to end it once and for all. Does it sound like a selfish act....no concerns over ppl who care about your life. The truth again, I cant afford to die as I still have many unresolved business, monetary and non-monetary loans to give back, responsibility I promised and on top of that, to the people who give my life.

Do all these problems; achievement failure, personal life crisis, stunted finance, tragic death, disappointments, upsetting those who are close and matters you the most..considered as a single source of stress? Can you tie all these into one single stress as such you wont have to deal each of of them but just one? Wouldn't it be easier to deal with one rather than more than just one?

All I know right now, I am so knackered coping with all these disasters which apparently never know when is the full stop. Perhaps coping isn't the right word....as no measures yet that I could use to cope...tumbling down may be the better words.