Total Eclipse of the Heart

There is not a thought of where and how to start. Nevertheless, I do know I fall flat for it, the love. Many people have the idea that relationship starts from friendship and not the fairy tale, love at first sight. If fairy tale never ever existed, where is the truth of infamous Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, the well-known hopeless romantic total fictional story ever been told. However, the story I am about to tell is not fictional, a boy who is striving hard to keep the guy he really loves at bay, perhaps falling for him although he could be a prick sometimes. It started from the popular cruising app, with the misnomer G word, thank you to the widget app, god bless smart phone. I still remember vividly, the first time he ever spoke to me, sending countless of thoughtful messages and not to mention, too fast for me to scan through. As much as tedious as I had to reply, my subconscious kicks in telling me this guy is not just any other cruisers, something about him intrigued me. Before I move on telling you the aftermath, I shall tell you I am a kind of person looking for love, not too desperate, I could still live without a man in my life, except my dad for now. A guy with substance is my answer whenever the question of seeking pops out and hallelujah, I thought finally god has mercy on me after years of driving my wheel cornering. To put a twist on my drama, we actually knew each other on Xmas day, the joyous occasion. Yes, the giving and receiving time of the year although undeniably I rather receive than to give. His name is K, he is one of the kind who is discreet, given the nature of his job, a privacy and confidentiality are strictly up adhered. For once I actually thought he was what he claimed, public icon. Anyway, back to the time we knew each other chatting on the popular cruising app. It was decent of him trying hard to be sincere in every word of his, afraid he might say something rude which dispute off my attention towards him. I would not say it was a sweet talk, it was more like “I want to get to know you better and more” sort of conversation, strictly no sex talk. Frankly speaking, sometimes when I missed his witty charm, I would look back on the conversation and the feelings of it, just incomparable with other chatters. He is blunt, with no malicious intention behind, the least I could sense it. As time goes, from cruising app to the chat app, a more personal user friendly chat with somebody you have added, known as What’s app. So to take things further, we conversed in the app as he did not like the cruising app. It was good and very stimulating chat at first, witty jokes, charming flirtatious personality and I find his voice adorable, like a wee boy asking for a candy. Part of his charm which attracted me. Our subsequent conversation did not run the way I expected it to be. Conflicts of opinion started to arise, argument as to who is right and wrong stirred up. Both defensives, neither one of us would compromise and the golden “apologize”, seemed to be the hardest word of all to speak. Never mind the conflicts, but the time. Comes the new year not long after Xmas, I was expecting the best and also hoping for the best. The repercussion of it, fall full flat on the floor like a piece of metal piercing through my heart. It was unbearable and he almost took away my new year’s mood. I will let you be the judge of it and the story goes like this: in one of the conversations a few days prior to new year, I somehow picked up hints from him that he might be free on weekends to spend some good quality time together to find out each other more. Being a melodramatic person as I am, I thought he would be the best new year’s gift ever in my life. Recap, every new year’s eve, I would either be working or went to bed early to get ready for the morning blues work. Yep, no booze, no party nor celebration as most of my friends were home, taking time off to see their folks. My family doesn’t believe in Jesus and new year therefore new year mood is never around at home. They say, the higher your hope is, the more despair you will be. Yes, I bought this theory when he did not show any signs of his usual caring thoughtful manner 48 hours prior to new year. On the new year’s eve, I almost very close to nerve breaking down. The accusations started to throw, flying around as to whether he really cared bout me. I broke down in tears, hoping he would at least speak to me on new year but instead he was cooking by himself at home and invited his colleaque over to celebrate. I was so gutted when he did that. So so damn gutted, frustration took over me. The feelings of trust started to dissipate, less and less conversation through the phone. I confessed at times I was dumb to let my computer on for 72 hours hoping at least an email from him or checking my phone every 5 minutes to see his text. One week passed, no news from him and I decided to take the leap to text him first and in return, just one word, “busy”. I was extremely frustrated and this is the second time after the big shenanigan new year. I guess, he is just not that into me. What is over is over. Time to bin off all the promises, words and witty charms of his for good. I went on various dates, to get rid of him constantly playing in my mind. Nevertheless, I just could not let him off my mind and finally, I gave in another chance. This time, he promised to meet me at the end of the month so I waited patiently with no fuss in between. Texts were normal, nothing flowery and impressive. I knew this was not working but I persisted to stick to him. The date he promised to meet arrived. Much to my super angry out of frustration feeling hopeless, he blew me off the date saying he was busy with a rather big project. At the moment, I felt like a dumb blonde, waiting just to meet him counting down the minutes and hours every day. I phoned him directly telling him it is over, he is the factor to our date and he did not manage his time properly. I deleted him off from my list and blocked him on the cruising app. Much to my surprise, he texted me two months after that when I completely had him off my mind for good. In his text, he said he missed my voice and my laughter. Besides, he told me he had a chance to move close to the place where my job was relocated. My reaction was “too corny too be true’. I smirked and replied with “good luck”, continued my running exercise. That moment, I felt glad not because he texted me despite the massive argument 2 months ago and not even because he pulling off his charming words on me. It was because I did not have the urge feelings anymore towards him, the feeling of wanting him back. I felt really glad it was finally over, no more tears and I had successfully moved on.