In the middle of busy processing some stuff, out of nowhere in the café, a sudden gaze at the most current popular social networking, Yes FB, reminded me of my immediate previous ex-partner. I shall call him Mr. C, make it simple, just the guy C. Looking through the pictures of profile, words to describe are cheerful, happy and smiley all the way through. None of them even showed sorrows and tears, too hard to spot, not even a dime to see to be honest. Nevertheless, there is something inside me, telling me the chemistry is strong and the connection is like the one I have never ever had before. It’s hard to describe but for instance, the best example I could give: Déjà vu. It feels like as if I had seen him before the first meet. It was subtle. He could not even ruled out if we had ever met in the past. It doesn’t actually bother me that much but what bothers me was the connection, simple yet tender feelings to share. Frankly, he was one of those rare ones in which I did not have to feel insecure of afraid telling him the whole truth. It was embarrassed to tell one when you are landed with plenty of impeccable drama. To him, I could almost completely be opened to him. Before I tell you more of my easily to trust and fall, gullible sort of person who never change despite millions of attempts to change. He cried on the second meet, yes, tears flowing out like a river.
It’s the second day of grieving after yesterday since logging into my FB bumped into C’s fb. I asked myself, again and again what is it that he has that attracts me. Perhaps the love or the lusty one night in bed keeps holding me on. Definitely there is something inside me, can’t never ever forget him or even letting him go. There it was, I said it; the three words when somebody really wants someone desperately. The final verdict of the reply was,: “sorry and thank you for everything” reply from him. Oh gosh, everything has just fallen down I feel, tears almost out from, as always given my fragile nature. I am listening to the song, by the air supply “ making love out of nothing at all.” I did not understand at all , how can something so pure and so sweet of love can be made out of nothing at all.
There is so much I can do, for I am only a human blessed with limited capability. I could not help it checking his FB last other few days just to get a glimpse of his where-about and his doings up and down. Listening to heaven’s what I feel , the old favourite past time much sought after by the latino in late 90s. My favourite catchy phase “ I am not supposed to fall in love with you, I have someone else, someone else is in love with you”. Nevertheless, when it is over, that is the time you fall in love again, whether with the same person or another, a whole different question all together.
The bravest stunt I had pulled , the craziest one you could ever imagine. It is always the steep learning curve I have to ride, no easy way out. If I’d told you this, you most probably would have guessed the thick side of me. Yes, the pathetic hopeless romantic actions my friends once described. Somehow and some day, I will be all by myself and I do not need anyone at all. Standing firm on my feet, I do not need anyone to get me through this.
Out of despair and feeling blues, I tagged along one of my future to be housemate to a temple to get blessing. As per the local people believe the prediction is very accurate. Plenty of deities seek the advice through praying and kowtow for good luck. I decided to give it a shoot and the prediction number for my love turned to be a bad one. It’s a bad number, it says there matchmaking would be unsuccessful and the chances of my dream getting swept off by a prince charming are very slim, likely insignificant. After reading the prediction, I was absolutely speechless. I could not believe that the same prediction surfaced 10 years ago when I was 18. Yes, I could still remember it clearly. It would be very hard and extremely hard for me to find someone. Family is far from ideal, at least I thought It would have changed in 10 years time but, regardless the efforts I put in and time I invested in, It is still futile. At that moment, I wanted to give up on love. I had been trying years to find it, patience is a virtual but it has been 10 years since started looking. I never deny the fact that I was once young and playful but this exploring phase of mine only lasted for 3 years. I spend the rest of the years, equivalent to 7 years searching for the right person. Out of all the guys I had been with, none of them really appreciate the faithful side of me. Frankly, I always had to be the one standing firm in the relationship and spice things up to procreate our love together. Like anybody in this world, there is a limit as to what I could do and months go on and on until I felt so exhausted. All of they did were just laid back with the wait and see approach. I had hit my breaking point, could not stand with the pressure given to push the relationship further. I realized it takes two ways for a relationship to work. Takes two to tango.
Thinking to myself, why on earth I was the chosen one from abstaining the love from a person. Everyday, I could see people with children, living happily just a simple life as it is. Couple in love happily. All I ever wanted was the same. Simple love, to cherish one another but it seemed impossible. The more I looked for it, the harder it seemed to be. There was once, I did not believe in my destiny allocated by the god. I knew that there was no place for love for me in this world hence I lead myself to believe that I create my own destiny. I determined my own destiny. According to the popular Chinese belief, if you dabble with fire of things you do not understand and you shall get burned at the end. Given so many years of endlessly searching, trial and errors with my heart getting broken repetitively, I have to confess that it is time to believe and give up. Give in to destiny. and start planning my bachelor life.
Consequently, I gave my BFF a buzz yesterday via skype to talk me out of this silly idea of mine not having anyone in my life. Relatively speaking, his encounters were even more complicated. Well, If I pen his story here, most probably it takes lot of pages to finish them.
Feeling blues, I recently discovered a song. It is in chinese, although it is not the best language I could grasp since young, the song is captivating. It captured my heart straight off after the first listen. The name of the song is “ you exist in my life.” It describes me well in situation whereby love comes and goes. For some, love comes easily whereas for some, in my case, could it be destiny holding me off from getting the right one. Does the right guy exist in my world? Is it just a matter of time for the right guy to come along to twist my life around to a better one. If no, shall I plan to live alone by myself in this world. Optimistically, at least I have a friend who is willing to stay with me forever if I am not wed. There was a statement she made which I pondered throughout my sleepless nights. Love might betrayed you but money, it is yours if you earn it. Money will never ever betray you, if it is yours, it is yours forever if you keep them well enough. In retrospect, I used to think money is not on my priority list. However, I did ponder long enough what she said made sense…what’s your view.
Mr-wot should I do with the baby
My imagination when it comes to annoying small little people
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
money or love?
In the middle of busy processing some stuff, out of nowhere in the café, a sudden gaze at the most current popular social networking, Yes FB, reminded me of my immediate previous ex-partner. I shall call him Mr. C, make it simple, just the guy C. Looking through the pictures of profile, words to describe are cheerful, happy and smiley all the way through. None of them even showed sorrows and tears, too hard to spot, not even a dime to see to be honest. Nevertheless, there is something inside me, telling me the chemistry is strong and the connection is like the one I have never ever had before. It’s hard to describe but for instance, the best example I could give: Déjà vu. It feels like as if I had seen him before the first meet. It was subtle. He could not even ruled out if we had ever met in the past. It doesn’t actually bother me that much but what bothers me was the connection, simple yet tender feelings to share. Frankly, he was one of those rare ones in which I did not have to feel insecure of afraid telling him the whole truth. It was embarrassed to tell one when you are landed with plenty of impeccable drama. To him, I could almost completely be opened to him. Before I tell you more of my easily to trust and fall, gullible sort of person who never change despite millions of attempts to change. He cried on the second meet, yes, tears flowing out like a river.
It’s the second day of grieving after yesterday since logging into my FB bumped into C’s fb. I asked myself, again and again what is it that he has that attracts me. Perhaps the love or the lusty one night in bed keeps holding me on. Definitely there is something inside me, can’t never ever forget him or even letting him go. There it was, I said it; the three words when somebody really wants someone desperately. The final verdict of the reply was,: “sorry and thank you for everything” reply from him. Oh gosh, everything has just fallen down I feel, tears almost out from, as always given my fragile nature. I am listening to the song, by the air supply “ making love out of nothing at all.” I did not understand at all , how can something so pure and so sweet of love can be made out of nothing at all.
There is so much I can do, for I am only a human blessed with limited capability. I could not help it checking his FB last other few days just to get a glimpse of his where-about and his doings up and down. Listening to heaven’s what I feel , the old favourite past time much sought after by the latino in late 90s. My favourite catchy phase “ I am not supposed to fall in love with you, I have someone else, someone else is in love with you”. Nevertheless, when it is over, that is the time you fall in love again, whether with the same person or another, a whole different question all together.
The bravest stunt I had pulled , the craziest one you could ever imagine. It is always the steep learning curve I have to ride, no easy way out. If I’d told you this, you most probably would have guessed the thick side of me. Yes, the pathetic hopeless romantic actions my friends once described. Somehow and some day, I will be all by myself and I do not need anyone at all. Standing firm on my feet, I do not need anyone to get me through this.
Out of despair and feeling blues, I tagged along one of my future to be housemate to a temple to get blessing. As per the local people believe the prediction is very accurate. Plenty of deities seek the advice through praying and kowtow for good luck. I decided to give it a shoot and the prediction number for my love turned to be a bad one. It’s a bad number, it says there matchmaking would be unsuccessful and the chances of my dream getting swept off by a prince charming are very slim, likely insignificant. After reading the prediction, I was absolutely speechless. I could not believe that the same prediction surfaced 10 years ago when I was 18. Yes, I could still remember it clearly. It would be very hard and extremely hard for me to find someone. Family is far from ideal, at least I thought It would have changed in 10 years time but, regardless the efforts I put in and time I invested in, It is still futile. At that moment, I wanted to give up on love. I had been trying years to find it, patience is a virtual but it has been 10 years since started looking. I never deny the fact that I was once young and playful but this exploring phase of mine only lasted for 3 years. I spend the rest of the years, equivalent to 7 years searching for the right person. Out of all the guys I had been with, none of them really appreciate the faithful side of me. Frankly, I always had to be the one standing firm in the relationship and spice things up to procreate our love together. Like anybody in this world, there is a limit as to what I could do and months go on and on until I felt so exhausted. All of they did were just laid back with the wait and see approach. I had hit my breaking point, could not stand with the pressure given to push the relationship further. I realized it takes two ways for a relationship to work. Takes two to tango.
Thinking to myself, why on earth I was the chosen one from abstaining the love from a person. Everyday, I could see people with children, living happily just a simple life as it is. Couple in love happily. All I ever wanted was the same. Simple love, to cherish one another but it seemed impossible. The more I looked for it, the harder it seemed to be. There was once, I did not believe in my destiny allocated by the god. I knew that there was no place for love for me in this world hence I lead myself to believe that I create my own destiny. I determined my own destiny. According to the popular Chinese belief, if you dabble with fire of things you do not understand and you shall get burned at the end. Given so many years of endlessly searching, trial and errors with my heart getting broken repetitively, I have to confess that it is time to believe and give up. Give in to destiny. and start planning my bachelor life.
Consequently, I gave my BFF a buzz yesterday via skype to talk me out of this silly idea of mine not having anyone in my life. Relatively speaking, his encounters were even more complicated. Well, If I pen his story here, most probably it takes lot of pages to finish them.
Feeling blues, I recently discovered a song. It is in chinese, although it is not the best language I could grasp since young, the song is captivating. It captured my heart straight off after the first listen. The name of the song is “ you exist in my life.” It describes me well in situation whereby love comes and goes. For some, love comes easily whereas for some, in my case, could it be destiny holding me off from getting the right one. Does the right guy exist in my world? Is it just a matter of time for the right guy to come along to twist my life around to a better one. If no, shall I plan to live alone by myself in this world. Optimistically, at least I have a friend who is willing to stay with me forever if I am not wed. There was a statement she made which I pondered throughout my sleepless nights. Love might betrayed you but money, it is yours if you earn it. Money will never ever betray you, if it is yours, it is yours forever if you keep them well enough. In retrospect, I used to think money is not on my priority list. However, I did ponder long enough what she said made sense…what’s your view.
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Total Eclipse of the Heart
There is not a thought of where and how to start. Nevertheless, I do know I fall flat for it, the love. Many people have the idea that relationship starts from friendship and not the fairy tale, love at first sight. If fairy tale never ever existed, where is the truth of infamous Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, the well-known hopeless romantic total fictional story ever been told.
However, the story I am about to tell is not fictional, a boy who is striving hard to keep the guy he really loves at bay, perhaps falling for him although he could be a prick sometimes. It started from the popular cruising app, with the misnomer G word, thank you to the widget app, god bless smart phone. I still remember vividly, the first time he ever spoke to me, sending countless of thoughtful messages and not to mention, too fast for me to scan through. As much as tedious as I had to reply, my subconscious kicks in telling me this guy is not just any other cruisers, something about him intrigued me. Before I move on telling you the aftermath, I shall tell you I am a kind of person looking for love, not too desperate, I could still live without a man in my life, except my dad for now.
A guy with substance is my answer whenever the question of seeking pops out and hallelujah, I thought finally god has mercy on me after years of driving my wheel cornering. To put a twist on my drama, we actually knew each other on Xmas day, the joyous occasion. Yes, the giving and receiving time of the year although undeniably I rather receive than to give. His name is K, he is one of the kind who is discreet, given the nature of his job, a privacy and confidentiality are strictly up adhered. For once I actually thought he was what he claimed, public icon.
Anyway, back to the time we knew each other chatting on the popular cruising app. It was decent of him trying hard to be sincere in every word of his, afraid he might say something rude which dispute off my attention towards him. I would not say it was a sweet talk, it was more like “I want to get to know you better and more” sort of conversation, strictly no sex talk. Frankly speaking, sometimes when I missed his witty charm, I would look back on the conversation and the feelings of it, just incomparable with other chatters. He is blunt, with no malicious intention behind, the least I could sense it. As time goes, from cruising app to the chat app, a more personal user friendly chat with somebody you have added, known as What’s app.
So to take things further, we conversed in the app as he did not like the cruising app. It was good and very stimulating chat at first, witty jokes, charming flirtatious personality and I find his voice adorable, like a wee boy asking for a candy. Part of his charm which attracted me. Our subsequent conversation did not run the way I expected it to be. Conflicts of opinion started to arise, argument as to who is right and wrong stirred up. Both defensives, neither one of us would compromise and the golden “apologize”, seemed to be the hardest word of all to speak. Never mind the conflicts, but the time. Comes the new year not long after Xmas, I was expecting the best and also hoping for the best. The repercussion of it, fall full flat on the floor like a piece of metal piercing through my heart. It was unbearable and he almost took away my new year’s mood. I will let you be the judge of it and the story goes like this: in one of the conversations a few days prior to new year, I somehow picked up hints from him that he might be free on weekends to spend some good quality time together to find out each other more. Being a melodramatic person as I am, I thought he would be the best new year’s gift ever in my life. Recap, every new year’s eve, I would either be working or went to bed early to get ready for the morning blues work. Yep, no booze, no party nor celebration as most of my friends were home, taking time off to see their folks. My family doesn’t believe in Jesus and new year therefore new year mood is never around at home. They say, the higher your hope is, the more despair you will be. Yes, I bought this theory when he did not show any signs of his usual caring thoughtful manner 48 hours prior to new year. On the new year’s eve, I almost very close to nerve breaking down. The accusations started to throw, flying around as to whether he really cared bout me. I broke down in tears, hoping he would at least speak to me on new year but instead he was cooking by himself at home and invited his colleaque over to celebrate. I was so gutted when he did that. So so damn gutted, frustration took over me.
The feelings of trust started to dissipate, less and less conversation through the phone. I confessed at times I was dumb to let my computer on for 72 hours hoping at least an email from him or checking my phone every 5 minutes to see his text. One week passed, no news from him and I decided to take the leap to text him first and in return, just one word, “busy”. I was extremely frustrated and this is the second time after the big shenanigan new year.
I guess, he is just not that into me. What is over is over. Time to bin off all the promises, words and witty charms of his for good. I went on various dates, to get rid of him constantly playing in my mind. Nevertheless, I just could not let him off my mind and finally, I gave in another chance. This time, he promised to meet me at the end of the month so I waited patiently with no fuss in between. Texts were normal, nothing flowery and impressive. I knew this was not working but I persisted to stick to him. The date he promised to meet arrived. Much to my super angry out of frustration feeling hopeless, he blew me off the date saying he was busy with a rather big project. At the moment, I felt like a dumb blonde, waiting just to meet him counting down the minutes and hours every day. I phoned him directly telling him it is over, he is the factor to our date and he did not manage his time properly. I deleted him off from my list and blocked him on the cruising app.
Much to my surprise, he texted me two months after that when I completely had him off my mind for good. In his text, he said he missed my voice and my laughter. Besides, he told me he had a chance to move close to the place where my job was relocated. My reaction was “too corny too be true’. I smirked and replied with “good luck”, continued my running exercise. That moment, I felt glad not because he texted me despite the massive argument 2 months ago and not even because he pulling off his charming words on me. It was because I did not have the urge feelings anymore towards him, the feeling of wanting him back. I felt really glad it was finally over, no more tears and I had successfully moved on.
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