Just How far would you go?

Just How far would you go ? 

I Bumped into my of one my old friend ( Matty ) in the gym today after my tiring fitness class. This year my resolution is to make myself more attractive to catch the right bird therefore gym bunny or you rather it being called regular gym goer fits into my description of new year resolution. It had been always the same resolution for the past few years as the old saying goes “ survival of the fittest “ , ain’t fit ain’t going anywhere in your journey of looking for the right bird for the right love, well at least in our rainbow community I have come to the acceptance of “ guys love to look at attractive things which might be the first step in opening up the soul window in getting to know each other.” 

 So after the class, I sat down in the lounge with Matty to catch up on his life, especially the subject of love. He is in a long distance relationship which has been going on for almost 6 months now and he will be going to introduce his partner to his family soon in February, the red festive holiday, Chinese New year. It was truly a blessing to see everyone getting hitched and ready to move forward initiating the step in getting closer to one’s personal life including ones’s family. As long as the long distance relationship sounds, he does not mind flying 4 hours to another country just to meet his partner up over the short weekends. It becomes short although both of them are living apart more than a thousand miles. Matty is optimistic and goes out from his heart all the way to pursue his love dream regardless of the distance and time difference. If you asked me, I think I will be to exhausted travelling to and fro and lack of sleep would trigger my cranky side which nobody ever want to see. At times, he would even offer to call him up as a reminder of his important events ahead and even at wee hours given the time difference. Not just that , he also reached out to understand his partner’s social life. Yes as sweet as it might sound, all relationship has its own fair share of conflicts , especially in the period of discovering one another. The conflict started to stir as he gets to know his partner’s social life in depth.

 We all have that one friend, whom we called as bestie or BFF ( Best friends forever) to talk to us when we needed the most despite looking like a zombie without the need to put up a good look when meeting up. Unfortunately, the situation between Matty and his partner’s bestie did not sound too good. For instance, clash of objectives in life and some sort like a yin vs yang energy influencer in his partner’s life. So the struggle is real for Matty to either sway his partner to him and vice versa for his partner’s bestie. It is not easy and I know Matty is rational enough to let loose and not to loose his head over the conflict created by his partner’s bestie. Beastie to Matty but bestie to his partner. So there you go, the balance he needed to go through and eventually to find a way out to resolve beastie vs bestie issues that might surface more in the future to come as they go down the road together. As I was telling Matty, the love- hate relationship between two people is never ever just between him and his partner, but it does revolve around people who plays a certain role in our social background. Believe me you, if anyone has ever told you that the society influencers such as friends, family, work, environment and etc.. just to name a few are redundant in a relationship, that person must have had low sense of awareness of things of happening around or choose to ignore until one day the issue is significant enough to break the relationship apart. Speaking from my experience unless somebody would like to challenge it. Consequently, accepting somebody into your life involves accepting the person’s as a whole and that would include his partner’s bestie in Matty’s situation.


 Just as I was able to conclude the piece of the day , my phone buzzed with a text from my friend, ( dragon) inspirational quote of relationship which runs:



“ Seize the opportunity when it is knocking on your door. Each lifestyle we choose come with either sorrows or joys. In addition to it , nothing is permanent in this world so enjoy while you still have the opportunity to do so.”
Lots of questions popped up in my head and I texted back below :

“ How Do you know when it’s the right door? “

“ How do you safeguard your heart from getting hurt if you choose to open the door which you think it is the right one?”

“ Are we ready to accept the aftermath of opening the door to reveal all yourself including your flaws to the person you think might be the right one?”


“ Is there anything we could do to minimise the risks of opening the wrong door?”
Another buzz from the old wise one ( dragon who is one of my besties after refining his words in the text message),

there is no right or wrong in the relationship, it’s a choice you choose and be able to have the courage to face it. In life we take risk and even the perfect plan you have planned for a long time in your head might turn up to be the plan you absolutely have no control over. Yes in another word, it is unpredictable but having said that , are you gonna just stay put and not move on to try again. There is no one right single answer to the question.

At the the back of my mind, it narrowed down to my topic of the day again “ How far would you go for, in a relationship or for a relationship?”

How long is too long ?

Is there such thing as too long ? 

 The title might suggest otherwise if some of you thought I would start writing hanky panky intimate stuff but you are wrong. The issue I want to touch here is , is there such thing as being single for too long ? It crossed my mind to ponder such question after a so not fortunate event happened on my lunch time.

 As usual, given the nature of my job, eating alone is not something new to me and whether I am on my working day or not , I still dine and do things alone mostly by myself. I picked a western restaurant in the zest for some grilled meats and so I walked in, greeted by the waiter before sitting in. Just as I was about to flip the menu, one of the waitress came up to me and gave me a familiar look as if she had known me before. 

On second glance, I did not remember dating her and neither she was one of my clients. With her cap on , smiley face she started speaking 

“ Hi sir, I’d seen you before. I think when I worked in Bali Thai ( Thai restaurant) you always like to eat the same food and always eat alone, one person.” 

At that moment, I had to giver her credits for recognising me but on the other hand, her words of “ eat alone “ irked me and I was trying not to be rude, I replied her 

“ yes, good memory."and proceeded to order in the hope of her not interrogating me more with the eating alone context.  Yes, I know perhaps I was too sensitive and she meant well. 

However, what she said opened up my mind to another idea which I did not realise that actually I had been eating by myself every day ( including weekends ) for almost 4 years now. It has been a significant period in which even a stranger could pick up and recognised me eating alone. 

I did not imply that being single eating alone is not a good idea and forbidden thing to do in this new era but what she said kinda reminded me of being single for years. Although I have been dating new guys, here and there but at the end of the day, back to square one eating alone. 

 So how long is long enough being single or do you actually wait until your alarm goes off telling you you have been alone significantly enough for others to pick it up?

same old brand new me year 2018

1/1/18 

NEW YEAR OR NEW BLUES ? 

  The very first time I pen In for this year just right after the old year 2017 has flown by. Lots of new year wishes everywhere and Facebook is definitely the hottest platform for wishes and greetings. Speaking of Facebook, lots of people whom I used to know singles renewed their love or vows and some even declared engagement.

 On thumbing through, lots of unpredictable news especially people whom I came across, thought they would have a character too strong for commitment pronounced engaged on the new year day. Yes, the ring and the status switched from single to attached. This reminds me that my time is ticking, and I am far far away sitting at the back of the bus seat, waiting for the stop to get out or shall I say , waiting for the right one to whisk me out to look outside the world with him. Given the limitation of us being in the rainbow community make it hard to socialise out and loud in the conservative society and when it comes to fixing a date, nothing but the social app makes it easy or is it the other way round. The reason why I said was that a guy whom I got to know less than 48 hours on the social dating app chickened out last minute. We were supposed to meet up like an old fashioned reservation dinner for two in the restaurant but he could not make it, for a reason of working out too hard in the gym and prefer to rest at home to recover his muscle ache. Once is fine but twice is the shame for me . I was not born yesterday and the same old trick did not work out too good for me to believe that he was sincerely and genuine to go out with me .

The first lesson happened when the guy whom I got to know after two dates blew me off last minute of not attending the movies which I had reserved online for the tickets. The reason, last minute chickened out and his reason being , got caught up with his family. Feeling sick of asking people out and taking the initiative to make the first move, I abruptly disconnected myself from that guy out of feeling frustration and upset.


 What should be the way for dating , ask or do not ask ? 

 Happy new year for some but no so happy new year for the new start for me.

Dates ? Mates or check mate ?

Dates ? Mates or check mate ? 


I cannot believe it is new year in 2 days time, coming to year 2018 . I know for the fact that I have been trying hard to look for the one which I always do. I know for the fact as well that many single guys in the jack’d app are looking for one thing, the only one thing that make them feel secure. It could be anything, from sex to friendship. I had been in it for years, since coming over to this little city. Living in this tiny island, full of single millennials isn’t easy or shall I say, it looked harder than it seemed to just get a date you can hold on to. Just the other day, I got to know two guys from the popular social dating app while browsing for the right one for something more substantial, rather than just meet up date and never call again .

 The first guy , Mr. BC . He is nice , cute, decent well mannered and well spoken US educated fine looking guy , in his early 30s , we met up in my place after a few conversations in the app. We started chatting by exchanging common interest, he likes to play board game and quiet night in with some wine and so do I.The chat kept flowing and soon, we exchanged number and connected for more to know each other. There is a saying that, all the good ones are taken and guess what, it is true. He is attached with a partner for 2 years and will be leaving abroad soon back to his home in USA. He was here for a week just to visit his grandma and would be back to his life in USA. There it goes again, so close yet so far. I thought he would be the one reason for me to delete the social app for good but apparently not. I have to say it again, all the good ones are no longer single, they are either snapped or married. On losing my hope, I thought to myself, no a bad idea to know him as a friend. Although it was just a short meet up , I did learn a few things from him. I asked him what keeps them together , he said common interest. Both of them like to solve puzzle or mystery. Besides, on their anniversary, they participated a mystery game together to solve it and they absolutely love it. That actually opened up my eyes to a different world.

Attraction draws two guys together but what keeps two people together , is common ground interest.

 It is one of the things that will never ever grow old or out of it. Unlike, physical which over time it could wear off. This scenario has helped to open up my heart to see things beyond beauty and not everything is about physical attraction.

 The 2nd guy , Mr Ben. I have not met up with him but after a few chats on the app, we exchanged lINE contact ( another app similar to what’s app except that you do not have to disclose your number ). We spoke over the phone via LINE app chat and he sounded genuine in telling me himself and found him very sincere. He was not afraid in telling me his background and even his medical conditions to me. Imagine that you have not met somebody and you have the guts to tell someone who is stranger to you bout your personal background including illnesses. For once, I thought he was different and really appreciate for his honesty and giving me the privilege to listen to him. Based on that , I gave him credit for fear not in telling me all about him and decided to make the first move to ask him out. Initially , we made up our mind to meet up on Saturday night for dinner but as the day comes, he started becoming quiet. I have a bad gut feeling telling me that he might not want to meet after all and it turned out to be true. He texted me in the evening that day which we were supposed to meet saying that he needed to help his mum to do something. Fair enough, since we were not destined to meet or perhaps his fear took over him so I respect his decision. Emotions took over me and I deleted him off from my list and guess he will never be able to hear from me again.

Sad to say it was check mate for him and game over. 

money or love?

In the middle of busy processing some stuff, out of nowhere in the café, a sudden gaze at the most current popular social networking, Yes FB, reminded me of my immediate previous ex-partner. I shall call him Mr. C, make it simple, just the guy C. Looking through the pictures of profile, words to describe are cheerful, happy and smiley all the way through. None of them even showed sorrows and tears, too hard to spot, not even a dime to see to be honest. Nevertheless, there is something inside me, telling me the chemistry is strong and the connection is like the one I have never ever had before. It’s hard to describe but for instance, the best example I could give: Déjà vu. It feels like as if I had seen him before the first meet. It was subtle. He could not even ruled out if we had ever met in the past. It doesn’t actually bother me that much but what bothers me was the connection, simple yet tender feelings to share. Frankly, he was one of those rare ones in which I did not have to feel insecure of afraid telling him the whole truth. It was embarrassed to tell one when you are landed with plenty of impeccable drama. To him, I could almost completely be opened to him. Before I tell you more of my easily to trust and fall, gullible sort of person who never change despite millions of attempts to change. He cried on the second meet, yes, tears flowing out like a river. It’s the second day of grieving after yesterday since logging into my FB bumped into C’s fb. I asked myself, again and again what is it that he has that attracts me. Perhaps the love or the lusty one night in bed keeps holding me on. Definitely there is something inside me, can’t never ever forget him or even letting him go. There it was, I said it; the three words when somebody really wants someone desperately. The final verdict of the reply was,: “sorry and thank you for everything” reply from him. Oh gosh, everything has just fallen down I feel, tears almost out from, as always given my fragile nature. I am listening to the song, by the air supply “ making love out of nothing at all.” I did not understand at all , how can something so pure and so sweet of love can be made out of nothing at all. There is so much I can do, for I am only a human blessed with limited capability. I could not help it checking his FB last other few days just to get a glimpse of his where-about and his doings up and down. Listening to heaven’s what I feel , the old favourite past time much sought after by the latino in late 90s. My favourite catchy phase “ I am not supposed to fall in love with you, I have someone else, someone else is in love with you”. Nevertheless, when it is over, that is the time you fall in love again, whether with the same person or another, a whole different question all together. The bravest stunt I had pulled , the craziest one you could ever imagine. It is always the steep learning curve I have to ride, no easy way out. If I’d told you this, you most probably would have guessed the thick side of me. Yes, the pathetic hopeless romantic actions my friends once described. Somehow and some day, I will be all by myself and I do not need anyone at all. Standing firm on my feet, I do not need anyone to get me through this. Out of despair and feeling blues, I tagged along one of my future to be housemate to a temple to get blessing. As per the local people believe the prediction is very accurate. Plenty of deities seek the advice through praying and kowtow for good luck. I decided to give it a shoot and the prediction number for my love turned to be a bad one. It’s a bad number, it says there matchmaking would be unsuccessful and the chances of my dream getting swept off by a prince charming are very slim, likely insignificant. After reading the prediction, I was absolutely speechless. I could not believe that the same prediction surfaced 10 years ago when I was 18. Yes, I could still remember it clearly. It would be very hard and extremely hard for me to find someone. Family is far from ideal, at least I thought It would have changed in 10 years time but, regardless the efforts I put in and time I invested in, It is still futile. At that moment, I wanted to give up on love. I had been trying years to find it, patience is a virtual but it has been 10 years since started looking. I never deny the fact that I was once young and playful but this exploring phase of mine only lasted for 3 years. I spend the rest of the years, equivalent to 7 years searching for the right person. Out of all the guys I had been with, none of them really appreciate the faithful side of me. Frankly, I always had to be the one standing firm in the relationship and spice things up to procreate our love together. Like anybody in this world, there is a limit as to what I could do and months go on and on until I felt so exhausted. All of they did were just laid back with the wait and see approach. I had hit my breaking point, could not stand with the pressure given to push the relationship further. I realized it takes two ways for a relationship to work. Takes two to tango. Thinking to myself, why on earth I was the chosen one from abstaining the love from a person. Everyday, I could see people with children, living happily just a simple life as it is. Couple in love happily. All I ever wanted was the same. Simple love, to cherish one another but it seemed impossible. The more I looked for it, the harder it seemed to be. There was once, I did not believe in my destiny allocated by the god. I knew that there was no place for love for me in this world hence I lead myself to believe that I create my own destiny. I determined my own destiny. According to the popular Chinese belief, if you dabble with fire of things you do not understand and you shall get burned at the end. Given so many years of endlessly searching, trial and errors with my heart getting broken repetitively, I have to confess that it is time to believe and give up. Give in to destiny. and start planning my bachelor life. Consequently, I gave my BFF a buzz yesterday via skype to talk me out of this silly idea of mine not having anyone in my life. Relatively speaking, his encounters were even more complicated. Well, If I pen his story here, most probably it takes lot of pages to finish them. Feeling blues, I recently discovered a song. It is in chinese, although it is not the best language I could grasp since young, the song is captivating. It captured my heart straight off after the first listen. The name of the song is “ you exist in my life.” It describes me well in situation whereby love comes and goes. For some, love comes easily whereas for some, in my case, could it be destiny holding me off from getting the right one. Does the right guy exist in my world? Is it just a matter of time for the right guy to come along to twist my life around to a better one. If no, shall I plan to live alone by myself in this world. Optimistically, at least I have a friend who is willing to stay with me forever if I am not wed. There was a statement she made which I pondered throughout my sleepless nights. Love might betrayed you but money, it is yours if you earn it. Money will never ever betray you, if it is yours, it is yours forever if you keep them well enough. In retrospect, I used to think money is not on my priority list. However, I did ponder long enough what she said made sense…what’s your view.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

There is not a thought of where and how to start. Nevertheless, I do know I fall flat for it, the love. Many people have the idea that relationship starts from friendship and not the fairy tale, love at first sight. If fairy tale never ever existed, where is the truth of infamous Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, the well-known hopeless romantic total fictional story ever been told. However, the story I am about to tell is not fictional, a boy who is striving hard to keep the guy he really loves at bay, perhaps falling for him although he could be a prick sometimes. It started from the popular cruising app, with the misnomer G word, thank you to the widget app, god bless smart phone. I still remember vividly, the first time he ever spoke to me, sending countless of thoughtful messages and not to mention, too fast for me to scan through. As much as tedious as I had to reply, my subconscious kicks in telling me this guy is not just any other cruisers, something about him intrigued me. Before I move on telling you the aftermath, I shall tell you I am a kind of person looking for love, not too desperate, I could still live without a man in my life, except my dad for now. A guy with substance is my answer whenever the question of seeking pops out and hallelujah, I thought finally god has mercy on me after years of driving my wheel cornering. To put a twist on my drama, we actually knew each other on Xmas day, the joyous occasion. Yes, the giving and receiving time of the year although undeniably I rather receive than to give. His name is K, he is one of the kind who is discreet, given the nature of his job, a privacy and confidentiality are strictly up adhered. For once I actually thought he was what he claimed, public icon. Anyway, back to the time we knew each other chatting on the popular cruising app. It was decent of him trying hard to be sincere in every word of his, afraid he might say something rude which dispute off my attention towards him. I would not say it was a sweet talk, it was more like “I want to get to know you better and more” sort of conversation, strictly no sex talk. Frankly speaking, sometimes when I missed his witty charm, I would look back on the conversation and the feelings of it, just incomparable with other chatters. He is blunt, with no malicious intention behind, the least I could sense it. As time goes, from cruising app to the chat app, a more personal user friendly chat with somebody you have added, known as What’s app. So to take things further, we conversed in the app as he did not like the cruising app. It was good and very stimulating chat at first, witty jokes, charming flirtatious personality and I find his voice adorable, like a wee boy asking for a candy. Part of his charm which attracted me. Our subsequent conversation did not run the way I expected it to be. Conflicts of opinion started to arise, argument as to who is right and wrong stirred up. Both defensives, neither one of us would compromise and the golden “apologize”, seemed to be the hardest word of all to speak. Never mind the conflicts, but the time. Comes the new year not long after Xmas, I was expecting the best and also hoping for the best. The repercussion of it, fall full flat on the floor like a piece of metal piercing through my heart. It was unbearable and he almost took away my new year’s mood. I will let you be the judge of it and the story goes like this: in one of the conversations a few days prior to new year, I somehow picked up hints from him that he might be free on weekends to spend some good quality time together to find out each other more. Being a melodramatic person as I am, I thought he would be the best new year’s gift ever in my life. Recap, every new year’s eve, I would either be working or went to bed early to get ready for the morning blues work. Yep, no booze, no party nor celebration as most of my friends were home, taking time off to see their folks. My family doesn’t believe in Jesus and new year therefore new year mood is never around at home. They say, the higher your hope is, the more despair you will be. Yes, I bought this theory when he did not show any signs of his usual caring thoughtful manner 48 hours prior to new year. On the new year’s eve, I almost very close to nerve breaking down. The accusations started to throw, flying around as to whether he really cared bout me. I broke down in tears, hoping he would at least speak to me on new year but instead he was cooking by himself at home and invited his colleaque over to celebrate. I was so gutted when he did that. So so damn gutted, frustration took over me. The feelings of trust started to dissipate, less and less conversation through the phone. I confessed at times I was dumb to let my computer on for 72 hours hoping at least an email from him or checking my phone every 5 minutes to see his text. One week passed, no news from him and I decided to take the leap to text him first and in return, just one word, “busy”. I was extremely frustrated and this is the second time after the big shenanigan new year. I guess, he is just not that into me. What is over is over. Time to bin off all the promises, words and witty charms of his for good. I went on various dates, to get rid of him constantly playing in my mind. Nevertheless, I just could not let him off my mind and finally, I gave in another chance. This time, he promised to meet me at the end of the month so I waited patiently with no fuss in between. Texts were normal, nothing flowery and impressive. I knew this was not working but I persisted to stick to him. The date he promised to meet arrived. Much to my super angry out of frustration feeling hopeless, he blew me off the date saying he was busy with a rather big project. At the moment, I felt like a dumb blonde, waiting just to meet him counting down the minutes and hours every day. I phoned him directly telling him it is over, he is the factor to our date and he did not manage his time properly. I deleted him off from my list and blocked him on the cruising app. Much to my surprise, he texted me two months after that when I completely had him off my mind for good. In his text, he said he missed my voice and my laughter. Besides, he told me he had a chance to move close to the place where my job was relocated. My reaction was “too corny too be true’. I smirked and replied with “good luck”, continued my running exercise. That moment, I felt glad not because he texted me despite the massive argument 2 months ago and not even because he pulling off his charming words on me. It was because I did not have the urge feelings anymore towards him, the feeling of wanting him back. I felt really glad it was finally over, no more tears and I had successfully moved on.

The Big Word "D"

Dilemma Dear diary, here comes the chapter where I have been waiting for to write after plenty of trial and errors in dating. The latest one, the youngest and the most simple one I have ever dated, a historian student who lead a simple no worry take it as it is life comes type of background from a well protected family, a strong catholic believer. All these years I have been yearning for a guy who is simple, young and doesn’t pay much attention to his clothes, appearance and status. Finally god blessed me one and much to my surprise, my heart was in doubt as to whether he is the one for me. Deep down inside my heart, I am so afraid he is not actually who I am looking for, and my materialistic nature kicks in reminding me if he is the one you really want, who checked the box at the bottom of the list, not the top. Well, the top ones on the list are as you know me, wealth and appearance and bottom being the inner soul. They say, you can never have both, it’s just either one. As the old Chinese saying goes, either beauty or wealth but in this case, either heart or wealth. It is so hard for me to choose, my heart tells me one thing and the next minute another thing. I had him confused last night, very much to his despair almost close to getting rid of me. At one point, I almost wanted to give up letting his heart off but my self conscious kicks in, forcing hopes in my voice, instilling promises I never thought I would hence lighting up his despair to graceful hope. I feel guilty doing that but it is so difficult for me to confess. If I do it again, muddle with his feelings, it will smash him so badly and his finals are around the corner, I don’t want to be responsible for his regrets, failure or sorrows. I am evil enough to have sent the unsure doubtful signals and not wanting to cost him his course, his only life goal at the moment after been travelling so far from Ireland. Home wrecker, bad ass, slut crazy insane bitch which I have been but not a life smasher and no, I am not gonna be one destroying his future. He is a good caring gentle guy but why I never see future with him, why is it so murky and cloudy unlike other guys on grindr although I know they are just after sex. Looking at the jesus Christ cruxifixed picture in the museum today reminds me of thousand endless sins I have committed that I din realise, the cross he was carrying, suddenly hit my head telling me that all the burdens and sins I had in the past, it is endless and beyond my great expectation. I thought I have done good in my life but it is the opposite and that’s when the 3rd prophecy I had been told when I was young came resonating in my brain: no family, no children and difficult to find a faithful partner. Another thing I realised the other night while skyping was I wanted to be in his shoes, the opposite ones who is being spoilt and not the one to spoil. In another word I like to be pampered by someone who is wealthy enough to do that for me. For instance, my close friends friend has recently announced the wedding bell not long after they engaged. The diamond ring is as big as a solid rock, the one you can find in the beach and in the picture, the diamond outweights her beauty. She is pretty damsel herself who knows how to look after herself, talented with a degree and definitely a wife’s material. Her husband would be is so out from her league, in fact totally out of her league in terms of look but then again, bachelor guy with stable big fortune income plus wealthy family background who lives in a house no one can ever resist not to stay there for more than a night, much bigger and modern than any ordinary studio apartment. So when it comes to the big question, proposal to tie your heart down with grounds offer like that, the temptation is too much not to say yes, and yes she said as predicted. At the meantime while looking at another couple from the other perspective, both of them come from average class family with stable income and of course with a degree, a professional degree. Both of them have been with each other since student in university and still going strong till now. Sad to say, both of them will part soon due to jobs. She is a career minded woman who never gives up on her job for a housewife to be at home, who cooks for her husband, ready for morning breakfast and tidy up the sheets and spring-cleaning after laundry. Her boyfriend or fiancée future to be is much very interested in getting her to take after his mother. Sad to say, she is so different from what he wants her to be after marriage and obviously, the children she said two but her husband said 7! Yes, seven that it is. The arguments and debate between them too is logical and sensible and sometimes, I could not even decide which one to side as a friend, torn in between so I just did what is best, when you say nothing at all. The trick, silence is golden really works. That moment of silence, is like a mirror, for themselves to reflect on about what each other think about it. They do not show it but they do ponder the thoughts suggested trying to meet each other demands or hopes I should put it. In connection to me with all these fuss and rhetorical ideas, if only I can select what I want. The first couple, I would want wealth, stable and of course the elegant family background. The one who enjoy pampering me and the jewellery, absolute yes. The second couple, the role which the guy expect me to take and brainy decent appearance. As much as I want as mentioned above, luxurious pampered life everyone striving hard to get, they called it an American dream: white picket fences bungalow house, dogs in the yard running and children chasing dreams, I want stability, security and a promising aspect in life. Let’s dwelled in the first subject, security! What makes you feel secure, define security. Let’s see, from my point of view, it means to keep you safe and feel safe all the time. When unexpected things or events occur, you have to energy and the will to resolve and including picking up the repercussions of action following the decision you made. It could be as simple as moving to a new place, deciding where to settle down your life as well as your career, what you do for living. The next question that follows, what keep you safe? In what aspect you need to have or to possess to feel safe. Is being on your own with a secured professional job enough to keep you warmth comfy with no sorrows the next day although you have the huge king sized bed all by yourself at night. So job is one of them. The next, family or next of kin. As weird as it sounds, some people function well among the family, it is almost close to what we called as niche. Your very own comfort zone, never goes out of it, you just know they are always there, will be there for whatever things you count on. Another word for it, kindred spirit. Here comes the next subject, the most rhetorical ones in the century, no one knows what is the answer to it, brain always play tricks, complicated and hard to tell, who to believe, the scientist? The lovers who have been together for years and still strong? The psychologist who defines everything trying hard to arrive a diagnosis for treatment? Your mum who always ask you to follow your gut feelings and nagging your every movement making sure you are perfect the way you are? Your friend who reminds you love will come one day and it is sooner than you thought which in fact I have been hearing that for years now and still sounding in my brain? The doctor, who asked you to keep your priority rights in life? The married couple, too busy to elaborate the meaning of love trying to keep the hyper active children at bay? Yes the key subject in this paragraph, love. I know I have been babbling about love a lot in all my columns, nevertheless it is the subject of importance. It makes you feel secure, hyper and hypo, roller coaster ride, exciting and the closest hurts the most, the loveliest gestures taste sweeter than sugar. In chinese, the old saying goes, water is enough to keep you full when you are in love. In line of the continuation as above, the other day I was working, just a typical normal day where you had enough time for a craic with one of my colleaques. One of the things she said catch my attention as to I did not see that coming out from her mouth. Yes, She did it the same as none other than my friends, the good one will come to you and you will find a good one the sort of nonsense comforting talk. First of all, I did not even open up to her my vulnerability despite searching for years, trying hard and far to find the perfect one. Here comes again, Did I just say the word perfect? I had no idea where did that come from neither as the other people who heard the conversation as I was not desperate to have one. At the moment, I have a lot on my plates to worry about, my career outmost the love subject because I was not the lucky one who was born with the golden spoon, relentless worries of whether there will be enough food tomorrow. To be fair, she could sense something was not right as she is as smart as rocket scientist but one step behind Einstein as she has married with one wee boy. A single parents family, not unusual in this country where you see countless of family with similar up-growing.