money or love?

In the middle of busy processing some stuff, out of nowhere in the café, a sudden gaze at the most current popular social networking, Yes FB, reminded me of my immediate previous ex-partner. I shall call him Mr. C, make it simple, just the guy C. Looking through the pictures of profile, words to describe are cheerful, happy and smiley all the way through. None of them even showed sorrows and tears, too hard to spot, not even a dime to see to be honest. Nevertheless, there is something inside me, telling me the chemistry is strong and the connection is like the one I have never ever had before. It’s hard to describe but for instance, the best example I could give: Déjà vu. It feels like as if I had seen him before the first meet. It was subtle. He could not even ruled out if we had ever met in the past. It doesn’t actually bother me that much but what bothers me was the connection, simple yet tender feelings to share. Frankly, he was one of those rare ones in which I did not have to feel insecure of afraid telling him the whole truth. It was embarrassed to tell one when you are landed with plenty of impeccable drama. To him, I could almost completely be opened to him. Before I tell you more of my easily to trust and fall, gullible sort of person who never change despite millions of attempts to change. He cried on the second meet, yes, tears flowing out like a river. It’s the second day of grieving after yesterday since logging into my FB bumped into C’s fb. I asked myself, again and again what is it that he has that attracts me. Perhaps the love or the lusty one night in bed keeps holding me on. Definitely there is something inside me, can’t never ever forget him or even letting him go. There it was, I said it; the three words when somebody really wants someone desperately. The final verdict of the reply was,: “sorry and thank you for everything” reply from him. Oh gosh, everything has just fallen down I feel, tears almost out from, as always given my fragile nature. I am listening to the song, by the air supply “ making love out of nothing at all.” I did not understand at all , how can something so pure and so sweet of love can be made out of nothing at all. There is so much I can do, for I am only a human blessed with limited capability. I could not help it checking his FB last other few days just to get a glimpse of his where-about and his doings up and down. Listening to heaven’s what I feel , the old favourite past time much sought after by the latino in late 90s. My favourite catchy phase “ I am not supposed to fall in love with you, I have someone else, someone else is in love with you”. Nevertheless, when it is over, that is the time you fall in love again, whether with the same person or another, a whole different question all together. The bravest stunt I had pulled , the craziest one you could ever imagine. It is always the steep learning curve I have to ride, no easy way out. If I’d told you this, you most probably would have guessed the thick side of me. Yes, the pathetic hopeless romantic actions my friends once described. Somehow and some day, I will be all by myself and I do not need anyone at all. Standing firm on my feet, I do not need anyone to get me through this. Out of despair and feeling blues, I tagged along one of my future to be housemate to a temple to get blessing. As per the local people believe the prediction is very accurate. Plenty of deities seek the advice through praying and kowtow for good luck. I decided to give it a shoot and the prediction number for my love turned to be a bad one. It’s a bad number, it says there matchmaking would be unsuccessful and the chances of my dream getting swept off by a prince charming are very slim, likely insignificant. After reading the prediction, I was absolutely speechless. I could not believe that the same prediction surfaced 10 years ago when I was 18. Yes, I could still remember it clearly. It would be very hard and extremely hard for me to find someone. Family is far from ideal, at least I thought It would have changed in 10 years time but, regardless the efforts I put in and time I invested in, It is still futile. At that moment, I wanted to give up on love. I had been trying years to find it, patience is a virtual but it has been 10 years since started looking. I never deny the fact that I was once young and playful but this exploring phase of mine only lasted for 3 years. I spend the rest of the years, equivalent to 7 years searching for the right person. Out of all the guys I had been with, none of them really appreciate the faithful side of me. Frankly, I always had to be the one standing firm in the relationship and spice things up to procreate our love together. Like anybody in this world, there is a limit as to what I could do and months go on and on until I felt so exhausted. All of they did were just laid back with the wait and see approach. I had hit my breaking point, could not stand with the pressure given to push the relationship further. I realized it takes two ways for a relationship to work. Takes two to tango. Thinking to myself, why on earth I was the chosen one from abstaining the love from a person. Everyday, I could see people with children, living happily just a simple life as it is. Couple in love happily. All I ever wanted was the same. Simple love, to cherish one another but it seemed impossible. The more I looked for it, the harder it seemed to be. There was once, I did not believe in my destiny allocated by the god. I knew that there was no place for love for me in this world hence I lead myself to believe that I create my own destiny. I determined my own destiny. According to the popular Chinese belief, if you dabble with fire of things you do not understand and you shall get burned at the end. Given so many years of endlessly searching, trial and errors with my heart getting broken repetitively, I have to confess that it is time to believe and give up. Give in to destiny. and start planning my bachelor life. Consequently, I gave my BFF a buzz yesterday via skype to talk me out of this silly idea of mine not having anyone in my life. Relatively speaking, his encounters were even more complicated. Well, If I pen his story here, most probably it takes lot of pages to finish them. Feeling blues, I recently discovered a song. It is in chinese, although it is not the best language I could grasp since young, the song is captivating. It captured my heart straight off after the first listen. The name of the song is “ you exist in my life.” It describes me well in situation whereby love comes and goes. For some, love comes easily whereas for some, in my case, could it be destiny holding me off from getting the right one. Does the right guy exist in my world? Is it just a matter of time for the right guy to come along to twist my life around to a better one. If no, shall I plan to live alone by myself in this world. Optimistically, at least I have a friend who is willing to stay with me forever if I am not wed. There was a statement she made which I pondered throughout my sleepless nights. Love might betrayed you but money, it is yours if you earn it. Money will never ever betray you, if it is yours, it is yours forever if you keep them well enough. In retrospect, I used to think money is not on my priority list. However, I did ponder long enough what she said made sense…what’s your view.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

There is not a thought of where and how to start. Nevertheless, I do know I fall flat for it, the love. Many people have the idea that relationship starts from friendship and not the fairy tale, love at first sight. If fairy tale never ever existed, where is the truth of infamous Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, the well-known hopeless romantic total fictional story ever been told. However, the story I am about to tell is not fictional, a boy who is striving hard to keep the guy he really loves at bay, perhaps falling for him although he could be a prick sometimes. It started from the popular cruising app, with the misnomer G word, thank you to the widget app, god bless smart phone. I still remember vividly, the first time he ever spoke to me, sending countless of thoughtful messages and not to mention, too fast for me to scan through. As much as tedious as I had to reply, my subconscious kicks in telling me this guy is not just any other cruisers, something about him intrigued me. Before I move on telling you the aftermath, I shall tell you I am a kind of person looking for love, not too desperate, I could still live without a man in my life, except my dad for now. A guy with substance is my answer whenever the question of seeking pops out and hallelujah, I thought finally god has mercy on me after years of driving my wheel cornering. To put a twist on my drama, we actually knew each other on Xmas day, the joyous occasion. Yes, the giving and receiving time of the year although undeniably I rather receive than to give. His name is K, he is one of the kind who is discreet, given the nature of his job, a privacy and confidentiality are strictly up adhered. For once I actually thought he was what he claimed, public icon. Anyway, back to the time we knew each other chatting on the popular cruising app. It was decent of him trying hard to be sincere in every word of his, afraid he might say something rude which dispute off my attention towards him. I would not say it was a sweet talk, it was more like “I want to get to know you better and more” sort of conversation, strictly no sex talk. Frankly speaking, sometimes when I missed his witty charm, I would look back on the conversation and the feelings of it, just incomparable with other chatters. He is blunt, with no malicious intention behind, the least I could sense it. As time goes, from cruising app to the chat app, a more personal user friendly chat with somebody you have added, known as What’s app. So to take things further, we conversed in the app as he did not like the cruising app. It was good and very stimulating chat at first, witty jokes, charming flirtatious personality and I find his voice adorable, like a wee boy asking for a candy. Part of his charm which attracted me. Our subsequent conversation did not run the way I expected it to be. Conflicts of opinion started to arise, argument as to who is right and wrong stirred up. Both defensives, neither one of us would compromise and the golden “apologize”, seemed to be the hardest word of all to speak. Never mind the conflicts, but the time. Comes the new year not long after Xmas, I was expecting the best and also hoping for the best. The repercussion of it, fall full flat on the floor like a piece of metal piercing through my heart. It was unbearable and he almost took away my new year’s mood. I will let you be the judge of it and the story goes like this: in one of the conversations a few days prior to new year, I somehow picked up hints from him that he might be free on weekends to spend some good quality time together to find out each other more. Being a melodramatic person as I am, I thought he would be the best new year’s gift ever in my life. Recap, every new year’s eve, I would either be working or went to bed early to get ready for the morning blues work. Yep, no booze, no party nor celebration as most of my friends were home, taking time off to see their folks. My family doesn’t believe in Jesus and new year therefore new year mood is never around at home. They say, the higher your hope is, the more despair you will be. Yes, I bought this theory when he did not show any signs of his usual caring thoughtful manner 48 hours prior to new year. On the new year’s eve, I almost very close to nerve breaking down. The accusations started to throw, flying around as to whether he really cared bout me. I broke down in tears, hoping he would at least speak to me on new year but instead he was cooking by himself at home and invited his colleaque over to celebrate. I was so gutted when he did that. So so damn gutted, frustration took over me. The feelings of trust started to dissipate, less and less conversation through the phone. I confessed at times I was dumb to let my computer on for 72 hours hoping at least an email from him or checking my phone every 5 minutes to see his text. One week passed, no news from him and I decided to take the leap to text him first and in return, just one word, “busy”. I was extremely frustrated and this is the second time after the big shenanigan new year. I guess, he is just not that into me. What is over is over. Time to bin off all the promises, words and witty charms of his for good. I went on various dates, to get rid of him constantly playing in my mind. Nevertheless, I just could not let him off my mind and finally, I gave in another chance. This time, he promised to meet me at the end of the month so I waited patiently with no fuss in between. Texts were normal, nothing flowery and impressive. I knew this was not working but I persisted to stick to him. The date he promised to meet arrived. Much to my super angry out of frustration feeling hopeless, he blew me off the date saying he was busy with a rather big project. At the moment, I felt like a dumb blonde, waiting just to meet him counting down the minutes and hours every day. I phoned him directly telling him it is over, he is the factor to our date and he did not manage his time properly. I deleted him off from my list and blocked him on the cruising app. Much to my surprise, he texted me two months after that when I completely had him off my mind for good. In his text, he said he missed my voice and my laughter. Besides, he told me he had a chance to move close to the place where my job was relocated. My reaction was “too corny too be true’. I smirked and replied with “good luck”, continued my running exercise. That moment, I felt glad not because he texted me despite the massive argument 2 months ago and not even because he pulling off his charming words on me. It was because I did not have the urge feelings anymore towards him, the feeling of wanting him back. I felt really glad it was finally over, no more tears and I had successfully moved on.

The Big Word "D"

Dilemma Dear diary, here comes the chapter where I have been waiting for to write after plenty of trial and errors in dating. The latest one, the youngest and the most simple one I have ever dated, a historian student who lead a simple no worry take it as it is life comes type of background from a well protected family, a strong catholic believer. All these years I have been yearning for a guy who is simple, young and doesn’t pay much attention to his clothes, appearance and status. Finally god blessed me one and much to my surprise, my heart was in doubt as to whether he is the one for me. Deep down inside my heart, I am so afraid he is not actually who I am looking for, and my materialistic nature kicks in reminding me if he is the one you really want, who checked the box at the bottom of the list, not the top. Well, the top ones on the list are as you know me, wealth and appearance and bottom being the inner soul. They say, you can never have both, it’s just either one. As the old Chinese saying goes, either beauty or wealth but in this case, either heart or wealth. It is so hard for me to choose, my heart tells me one thing and the next minute another thing. I had him confused last night, very much to his despair almost close to getting rid of me. At one point, I almost wanted to give up letting his heart off but my self conscious kicks in, forcing hopes in my voice, instilling promises I never thought I would hence lighting up his despair to graceful hope. I feel guilty doing that but it is so difficult for me to confess. If I do it again, muddle with his feelings, it will smash him so badly and his finals are around the corner, I don’t want to be responsible for his regrets, failure or sorrows. I am evil enough to have sent the unsure doubtful signals and not wanting to cost him his course, his only life goal at the moment after been travelling so far from Ireland. Home wrecker, bad ass, slut crazy insane bitch which I have been but not a life smasher and no, I am not gonna be one destroying his future. He is a good caring gentle guy but why I never see future with him, why is it so murky and cloudy unlike other guys on grindr although I know they are just after sex. Looking at the jesus Christ cruxifixed picture in the museum today reminds me of thousand endless sins I have committed that I din realise, the cross he was carrying, suddenly hit my head telling me that all the burdens and sins I had in the past, it is endless and beyond my great expectation. I thought I have done good in my life but it is the opposite and that’s when the 3rd prophecy I had been told when I was young came resonating in my brain: no family, no children and difficult to find a faithful partner. Another thing I realised the other night while skyping was I wanted to be in his shoes, the opposite ones who is being spoilt and not the one to spoil. In another word I like to be pampered by someone who is wealthy enough to do that for me. For instance, my close friends friend has recently announced the wedding bell not long after they engaged. The diamond ring is as big as a solid rock, the one you can find in the beach and in the picture, the diamond outweights her beauty. She is pretty damsel herself who knows how to look after herself, talented with a degree and definitely a wife’s material. Her husband would be is so out from her league, in fact totally out of her league in terms of look but then again, bachelor guy with stable big fortune income plus wealthy family background who lives in a house no one can ever resist not to stay there for more than a night, much bigger and modern than any ordinary studio apartment. So when it comes to the big question, proposal to tie your heart down with grounds offer like that, the temptation is too much not to say yes, and yes she said as predicted. At the meantime while looking at another couple from the other perspective, both of them come from average class family with stable income and of course with a degree, a professional degree. Both of them have been with each other since student in university and still going strong till now. Sad to say, both of them will part soon due to jobs. She is a career minded woman who never gives up on her job for a housewife to be at home, who cooks for her husband, ready for morning breakfast and tidy up the sheets and spring-cleaning after laundry. Her boyfriend or fiancée future to be is much very interested in getting her to take after his mother. Sad to say, she is so different from what he wants her to be after marriage and obviously, the children she said two but her husband said 7! Yes, seven that it is. The arguments and debate between them too is logical and sensible and sometimes, I could not even decide which one to side as a friend, torn in between so I just did what is best, when you say nothing at all. The trick, silence is golden really works. That moment of silence, is like a mirror, for themselves to reflect on about what each other think about it. They do not show it but they do ponder the thoughts suggested trying to meet each other demands or hopes I should put it. In connection to me with all these fuss and rhetorical ideas, if only I can select what I want. The first couple, I would want wealth, stable and of course the elegant family background. The one who enjoy pampering me and the jewellery, absolute yes. The second couple, the role which the guy expect me to take and brainy decent appearance. As much as I want as mentioned above, luxurious pampered life everyone striving hard to get, they called it an American dream: white picket fences bungalow house, dogs in the yard running and children chasing dreams, I want stability, security and a promising aspect in life. Let’s dwelled in the first subject, security! What makes you feel secure, define security. Let’s see, from my point of view, it means to keep you safe and feel safe all the time. When unexpected things or events occur, you have to energy and the will to resolve and including picking up the repercussions of action following the decision you made. It could be as simple as moving to a new place, deciding where to settle down your life as well as your career, what you do for living. The next question that follows, what keep you safe? In what aspect you need to have or to possess to feel safe. Is being on your own with a secured professional job enough to keep you warmth comfy with no sorrows the next day although you have the huge king sized bed all by yourself at night. So job is one of them. The next, family or next of kin. As weird as it sounds, some people function well among the family, it is almost close to what we called as niche. Your very own comfort zone, never goes out of it, you just know they are always there, will be there for whatever things you count on. Another word for it, kindred spirit. Here comes the next subject, the most rhetorical ones in the century, no one knows what is the answer to it, brain always play tricks, complicated and hard to tell, who to believe, the scientist? The lovers who have been together for years and still strong? The psychologist who defines everything trying hard to arrive a diagnosis for treatment? Your mum who always ask you to follow your gut feelings and nagging your every movement making sure you are perfect the way you are? Your friend who reminds you love will come one day and it is sooner than you thought which in fact I have been hearing that for years now and still sounding in my brain? The doctor, who asked you to keep your priority rights in life? The married couple, too busy to elaborate the meaning of love trying to keep the hyper active children at bay? Yes the key subject in this paragraph, love. I know I have been babbling about love a lot in all my columns, nevertheless it is the subject of importance. It makes you feel secure, hyper and hypo, roller coaster ride, exciting and the closest hurts the most, the loveliest gestures taste sweeter than sugar. In chinese, the old saying goes, water is enough to keep you full when you are in love. In line of the continuation as above, the other day I was working, just a typical normal day where you had enough time for a craic with one of my colleaques. One of the things she said catch my attention as to I did not see that coming out from her mouth. Yes, She did it the same as none other than my friends, the good one will come to you and you will find a good one the sort of nonsense comforting talk. First of all, I did not even open up to her my vulnerability despite searching for years, trying hard and far to find the perfect one. Here comes again, Did I just say the word perfect? I had no idea where did that come from neither as the other people who heard the conversation as I was not desperate to have one. At the moment, I have a lot on my plates to worry about, my career outmost the love subject because I was not the lucky one who was born with the golden spoon, relentless worries of whether there will be enough food tomorrow. To be fair, she could sense something was not right as she is as smart as rocket scientist but one step behind Einstein as she has married with one wee boy. A single parents family, not unusual in this country where you see countless of family with similar up-growing.

complicated or delusional

Well, it’s the time of the year again, Xmas around the corner, booze, family gathering for some, those who are married with enormous children at home wagging their tongue for festive meals, big giant turkey and sweet dessert. For some, it means Xmas night out with friends prior to the celebration of virgin Mary’s son, Jesus Christ. While some having celebration with booze, for me a farewell dinner before I leave for a better job prospect. At the dinner table, comes the gal who claimed relationship a problem, the exact word she describes, complicated yet she still lingers for the hopes she has been on lingering for more than six months, yes 6 months! She has given all she could ever possible or someone could have ever asked before. All the good deals start with the big “C”s, in fact more than just one C. Never mind the age gap, the culture and the parental factors as she is able to take up the challenge. One could only envy what she has to offer but the main key point here missing is the chemistry. Like the old proverb goes, it takes two for the keys to click and believe it or not, I trust the key-lock hypothesis. It is only the right key to the happiness to unlock the right lock. Yes, there is only one key for everyone. Different bearers have different shapes, colour and to match the brand too. Me on the other hand, has been struggled to find the right key, the ultimate one despite endlessly aiming for 5 years. Ups and downs like a roller coaster, it was an exciting rough ride. Regardless of the drama entailing the ride, there is always a person sitting next to me in the ride. That’s my best pal ever I met throughout my years being abroad. As I am writing this piece, I am up in the sky, over thousands of attitudes awaiting a thousand over miles journey before I could call home for Xmas. Boarding the airline might give you a surprise. What looks in the inside doesn’t always give you the whole story as it is a whole different feel inside. Decorations in line with the festive mood, peak season does not come free without children, sometimes wonder could it be a tears of joy or cursed tie down trapped freedom. One thing that smirks me off is the wee soft toy hanging in the aisle . It’s frosty, the snowman and now the red suit bearded over weight guy we know as Santa Claus. The flight was a full house, with a miniature TV in every seat except the front row with no leaning seats in the front. The food, I would rate 7 out of 10.The presentation is better than airway I have been in. Silver solid cutlery was given with the aroma spicy curry on board, savoury rice and lastly complementary dessert. My favourite bit. All-right too much babbling, time to revert to the topic we discussed earlier, the complicated delusional one has on for hopes, faith and slowly fades into profound memory. There was coffee discussion between her and her complicated yet to know potential date, not a step forward to partner. One willing to compromise but the others feel bad when she compromise, yes the guilt will eat her up as the sacrifice is too big, might costs her whole life. Decision, tougher than you could imagine. Most often than not, in our lives, choices are options. Back in those old days, there was never a question of options. People just do after what they have been told. No question, no doubts policy. You just need to find a way to adapt your way through. If success, well done and if fail, a shame in Asian culture and try your best again in Western. In the end of it, it is the love that holds two together, not money, not asset, not friendship. Wait a minute, Did I just say friendship. Where has the old motto gone, value friendship more than relationship. The golden rule I always applied whenever envy kicks in. I guess it is an excuse others, single potential bachelor used to make them feel much better and secure with the words “ who needs a partner when you have mate”. Easier said than done, mellowness starts to kick in when you are away from home, be it studies, business purpose or a better job prospect. The time when you reached for the phone, it goes to voice mail. Mates gone home for gathering, the once a year festive gathering and when you come home, you realised there was no one at home, empty, cold and blackness engulfing the whole apartment, leaving you to linger your plan the next minute. That is the time where you desperately get on the line to call home and later little did you find out that no one is at home, left a voice mail unanswered until tomorrow afternoon listening to the joyful cracks your mum was telling you and the fun she had on a night out. You begin to wonder, is this the sort of life you want to live? Speaking of her, she has all the good “KIKI”s a girl could ever ask for, or should I use the word dying for. Of all the goodness, it has been enriched in the wrong place, the wrong person and the wrong time. Let’s break it into pieces, shall we? Family affair no longer an issue she should be concerned about, out and proud. Financial situation, let me put it in this way, driving an Audi car with a stable job with a title in the front of her name. Sounds a good deal. There are three things she mentioned in the relationship, ground rules set up by her future “counter part”. Such she vividly reminded mutual respect, compromise and the last one is not on top my head now. Nevertheless, it seemed that she was set up with the conditions without her thoughts on it. They say love is blind, as far as the eyes can see. Its true, when you are deeply or grossly emotionally stuck to someone, all you see is denial. However the reasons are, there would be always the positive side of the story when the signals are clearly heading towards asking her to step back, get out and the sooner she realised it the better in situ with the popular “ She’s just not that into you” film. Sounds familiar, yes it is for me “ He’s just not that into you” Nobody said it was easy, such a shame they have to part. Running in circles, catching up on each other’s tail, isn’t she sick and tired of repeating the cycle again and over again. As for me, you have already subconsciously guessed the answer. Yes, it makes my gut wrench and spasm occasionally. The most difficult part for me to go back to square one, restart everything again from scratch. It scared and in fact, some people find it terrifying to have to rebuilt your comfort zone when it is either broken or invaded. Unless, you are the primadonna, never your fault no matter how much you play. Now standing in the front of the aisle, not too far from the loo, standing a father with a child. Child not behaving, running like a tarzan hence baby hugs to get rid of the madness which I foreseen hopefully would not happen.