The Big Word "D"

Dilemma Dear diary, here comes the chapter where I have been waiting for to write after plenty of trial and errors in dating. The latest one, the youngest and the most simple one I have ever dated, a historian student who lead a simple no worry take it as it is life comes type of background from a well protected family, a strong catholic believer. All these years I have been yearning for a guy who is simple, young and doesn’t pay much attention to his clothes, appearance and status. Finally god blessed me one and much to my surprise, my heart was in doubt as to whether he is the one for me. Deep down inside my heart, I am so afraid he is not actually who I am looking for, and my materialistic nature kicks in reminding me if he is the one you really want, who checked the box at the bottom of the list, not the top. Well, the top ones on the list are as you know me, wealth and appearance and bottom being the inner soul. They say, you can never have both, it’s just either one. As the old Chinese saying goes, either beauty or wealth but in this case, either heart or wealth. It is so hard for me to choose, my heart tells me one thing and the next minute another thing. I had him confused last night, very much to his despair almost close to getting rid of me. At one point, I almost wanted to give up letting his heart off but my self conscious kicks in, forcing hopes in my voice, instilling promises I never thought I would hence lighting up his despair to graceful hope. I feel guilty doing that but it is so difficult for me to confess. If I do it again, muddle with his feelings, it will smash him so badly and his finals are around the corner, I don’t want to be responsible for his regrets, failure or sorrows. I am evil enough to have sent the unsure doubtful signals and not wanting to cost him his course, his only life goal at the moment after been travelling so far from Ireland. Home wrecker, bad ass, slut crazy insane bitch which I have been but not a life smasher and no, I am not gonna be one destroying his future. He is a good caring gentle guy but why I never see future with him, why is it so murky and cloudy unlike other guys on grindr although I know they are just after sex. Looking at the jesus Christ cruxifixed picture in the museum today reminds me of thousand endless sins I have committed that I din realise, the cross he was carrying, suddenly hit my head telling me that all the burdens and sins I had in the past, it is endless and beyond my great expectation. I thought I have done good in my life but it is the opposite and that’s when the 3rd prophecy I had been told when I was young came resonating in my brain: no family, no children and difficult to find a faithful partner. Another thing I realised the other night while skyping was I wanted to be in his shoes, the opposite ones who is being spoilt and not the one to spoil. In another word I like to be pampered by someone who is wealthy enough to do that for me. For instance, my close friends friend has recently announced the wedding bell not long after they engaged. The diamond ring is as big as a solid rock, the one you can find in the beach and in the picture, the diamond outweights her beauty. She is pretty damsel herself who knows how to look after herself, talented with a degree and definitely a wife’s material. Her husband would be is so out from her league, in fact totally out of her league in terms of look but then again, bachelor guy with stable big fortune income plus wealthy family background who lives in a house no one can ever resist not to stay there for more than a night, much bigger and modern than any ordinary studio apartment. So when it comes to the big question, proposal to tie your heart down with grounds offer like that, the temptation is too much not to say yes, and yes she said as predicted. At the meantime while looking at another couple from the other perspective, both of them come from average class family with stable income and of course with a degree, a professional degree. Both of them have been with each other since student in university and still going strong till now. Sad to say, both of them will part soon due to jobs. She is a career minded woman who never gives up on her job for a housewife to be at home, who cooks for her husband, ready for morning breakfast and tidy up the sheets and spring-cleaning after laundry. Her boyfriend or fiancée future to be is much very interested in getting her to take after his mother. Sad to say, she is so different from what he wants her to be after marriage and obviously, the children she said two but her husband said 7! Yes, seven that it is. The arguments and debate between them too is logical and sensible and sometimes, I could not even decide which one to side as a friend, torn in between so I just did what is best, when you say nothing at all. The trick, silence is golden really works. That moment of silence, is like a mirror, for themselves to reflect on about what each other think about it. They do not show it but they do ponder the thoughts suggested trying to meet each other demands or hopes I should put it. In connection to me with all these fuss and rhetorical ideas, if only I can select what I want. The first couple, I would want wealth, stable and of course the elegant family background. The one who enjoy pampering me and the jewellery, absolute yes. The second couple, the role which the guy expect me to take and brainy decent appearance. As much as I want as mentioned above, luxurious pampered life everyone striving hard to get, they called it an American dream: white picket fences bungalow house, dogs in the yard running and children chasing dreams, I want stability, security and a promising aspect in life. Let’s dwelled in the first subject, security! What makes you feel secure, define security. Let’s see, from my point of view, it means to keep you safe and feel safe all the time. When unexpected things or events occur, you have to energy and the will to resolve and including picking up the repercussions of action following the decision you made. It could be as simple as moving to a new place, deciding where to settle down your life as well as your career, what you do for living. The next question that follows, what keep you safe? In what aspect you need to have or to possess to feel safe. Is being on your own with a secured professional job enough to keep you warmth comfy with no sorrows the next day although you have the huge king sized bed all by yourself at night. So job is one of them. The next, family or next of kin. As weird as it sounds, some people function well among the family, it is almost close to what we called as niche. Your very own comfort zone, never goes out of it, you just know they are always there, will be there for whatever things you count on. Another word for it, kindred spirit. Here comes the next subject, the most rhetorical ones in the century, no one knows what is the answer to it, brain always play tricks, complicated and hard to tell, who to believe, the scientist? The lovers who have been together for years and still strong? The psychologist who defines everything trying hard to arrive a diagnosis for treatment? Your mum who always ask you to follow your gut feelings and nagging your every movement making sure you are perfect the way you are? Your friend who reminds you love will come one day and it is sooner than you thought which in fact I have been hearing that for years now and still sounding in my brain? The doctor, who asked you to keep your priority rights in life? The married couple, too busy to elaborate the meaning of love trying to keep the hyper active children at bay? Yes the key subject in this paragraph, love. I know I have been babbling about love a lot in all my columns, nevertheless it is the subject of importance. It makes you feel secure, hyper and hypo, roller coaster ride, exciting and the closest hurts the most, the loveliest gestures taste sweeter than sugar. In chinese, the old saying goes, water is enough to keep you full when you are in love. In line of the continuation as above, the other day I was working, just a typical normal day where you had enough time for a craic with one of my colleaques. One of the things she said catch my attention as to I did not see that coming out from her mouth. Yes, She did it the same as none other than my friends, the good one will come to you and you will find a good one the sort of nonsense comforting talk. First of all, I did not even open up to her my vulnerability despite searching for years, trying hard and far to find the perfect one. Here comes again, Did I just say the word perfect? I had no idea where did that come from neither as the other people who heard the conversation as I was not desperate to have one. At the moment, I have a lot on my plates to worry about, my career outmost the love subject because I was not the lucky one who was born with the golden spoon, relentless worries of whether there will be enough food tomorrow. To be fair, she could sense something was not right as she is as smart as rocket scientist but one step behind Einstein as she has married with one wee boy. A single parents family, not unusual in this country where you see countless of family with similar up-growing.

complicated or delusional

Well, it’s the time of the year again, Xmas around the corner, booze, family gathering for some, those who are married with enormous children at home wagging their tongue for festive meals, big giant turkey and sweet dessert. For some, it means Xmas night out with friends prior to the celebration of virgin Mary’s son, Jesus Christ. While some having celebration with booze, for me a farewell dinner before I leave for a better job prospect. At the dinner table, comes the gal who claimed relationship a problem, the exact word she describes, complicated yet she still lingers for the hopes she has been on lingering for more than six months, yes 6 months! She has given all she could ever possible or someone could have ever asked before. All the good deals start with the big “C”s, in fact more than just one C. Never mind the age gap, the culture and the parental factors as she is able to take up the challenge. One could only envy what she has to offer but the main key point here missing is the chemistry. Like the old proverb goes, it takes two for the keys to click and believe it or not, I trust the key-lock hypothesis. It is only the right key to the happiness to unlock the right lock. Yes, there is only one key for everyone. Different bearers have different shapes, colour and to match the brand too. Me on the other hand, has been struggled to find the right key, the ultimate one despite endlessly aiming for 5 years. Ups and downs like a roller coaster, it was an exciting rough ride. Regardless of the drama entailing the ride, there is always a person sitting next to me in the ride. That’s my best pal ever I met throughout my years being abroad. As I am writing this piece, I am up in the sky, over thousands of attitudes awaiting a thousand over miles journey before I could call home for Xmas. Boarding the airline might give you a surprise. What looks in the inside doesn’t always give you the whole story as it is a whole different feel inside. Decorations in line with the festive mood, peak season does not come free without children, sometimes wonder could it be a tears of joy or cursed tie down trapped freedom. One thing that smirks me off is the wee soft toy hanging in the aisle . It’s frosty, the snowman and now the red suit bearded over weight guy we know as Santa Claus. The flight was a full house, with a miniature TV in every seat except the front row with no leaning seats in the front. The food, I would rate 7 out of 10.The presentation is better than airway I have been in. Silver solid cutlery was given with the aroma spicy curry on board, savoury rice and lastly complementary dessert. My favourite bit. All-right too much babbling, time to revert to the topic we discussed earlier, the complicated delusional one has on for hopes, faith and slowly fades into profound memory. There was coffee discussion between her and her complicated yet to know potential date, not a step forward to partner. One willing to compromise but the others feel bad when she compromise, yes the guilt will eat her up as the sacrifice is too big, might costs her whole life. Decision, tougher than you could imagine. Most often than not, in our lives, choices are options. Back in those old days, there was never a question of options. People just do after what they have been told. No question, no doubts policy. You just need to find a way to adapt your way through. If success, well done and if fail, a shame in Asian culture and try your best again in Western. In the end of it, it is the love that holds two together, not money, not asset, not friendship. Wait a minute, Did I just say friendship. Where has the old motto gone, value friendship more than relationship. The golden rule I always applied whenever envy kicks in. I guess it is an excuse others, single potential bachelor used to make them feel much better and secure with the words “ who needs a partner when you have mate”. Easier said than done, mellowness starts to kick in when you are away from home, be it studies, business purpose or a better job prospect. The time when you reached for the phone, it goes to voice mail. Mates gone home for gathering, the once a year festive gathering and when you come home, you realised there was no one at home, empty, cold and blackness engulfing the whole apartment, leaving you to linger your plan the next minute. That is the time where you desperately get on the line to call home and later little did you find out that no one is at home, left a voice mail unanswered until tomorrow afternoon listening to the joyful cracks your mum was telling you and the fun she had on a night out. You begin to wonder, is this the sort of life you want to live? Speaking of her, she has all the good “KIKI”s a girl could ever ask for, or should I use the word dying for. Of all the goodness, it has been enriched in the wrong place, the wrong person and the wrong time. Let’s break it into pieces, shall we? Family affair no longer an issue she should be concerned about, out and proud. Financial situation, let me put it in this way, driving an Audi car with a stable job with a title in the front of her name. Sounds a good deal. There are three things she mentioned in the relationship, ground rules set up by her future “counter part”. Such she vividly reminded mutual respect, compromise and the last one is not on top my head now. Nevertheless, it seemed that she was set up with the conditions without her thoughts on it. They say love is blind, as far as the eyes can see. Its true, when you are deeply or grossly emotionally stuck to someone, all you see is denial. However the reasons are, there would be always the positive side of the story when the signals are clearly heading towards asking her to step back, get out and the sooner she realised it the better in situ with the popular “ She’s just not that into you” film. Sounds familiar, yes it is for me “ He’s just not that into you” Nobody said it was easy, such a shame they have to part. Running in circles, catching up on each other’s tail, isn’t she sick and tired of repeating the cycle again and over again. As for me, you have already subconsciously guessed the answer. Yes, it makes my gut wrench and spasm occasionally. The most difficult part for me to go back to square one, restart everything again from scratch. It scared and in fact, some people find it terrifying to have to rebuilt your comfort zone when it is either broken or invaded. Unless, you are the primadonna, never your fault no matter how much you play. Now standing in the front of the aisle, not too far from the loo, standing a father with a child. Child not behaving, running like a tarzan hence baby hugs to get rid of the madness which I foreseen hopefully would not happen.

OnE YeAr ReCAp

It has been more than a year since the last time I wrote. A massive change, from student to working adult ( in fact still coping with the transition phase, not easy). So let's see, what have I have gone through the past one year:

1) love ( ^_^ as always the first priority); now and again the same trouble in hanging on to relationship, dates come and go like a roller coaster. When you want him the most, ain't no easy way out. When you are in doubt, that's when you are not ready to commit. Been told not to give up on my faith as love comes to those who believe it, but just not long ago after I gave up ( with tears, yes I am a cry baby), somehow something begins lurking. I am beginning to wonder, if love comes to those who do not believe it.

2) career; a stable promising one with chances to progress and salary increment too. One thing good is that I dun have to feel guilty buying expensive high quality clothes anymore, no longer leeching my parents wealth. Nevertheless, for a reason I don't quite understand and almost everyone agrees that being a student is richer than freshman. I find myself spending less now than when I was a student although still hard to resist new outfits. I luv wearing fresh new lines ^_^.

3) lifestyle; new job new place new people. The same as everywhere given the heterosexual population tipping over the homosexuals, my circle tilt towards away from my own kind. Less drinking, I am obliged to embrace the responsibility taking care of the image my boss projecting "google definition of Health by WHO".

As much as changes take place, one thing never change is my cheerful bubbly personality. Always brighten up the place I work in with colors, joys and something someone worth remembering me, a one of a kind ^_^, my distinctive giggles LOL.

SEX sYnCoPe!

Just before moving to a new place, one of my dates wanted to send me off a goodbye memorabilia before I leave. No, it was neither a gift nor an object of affection, it was his near collapsed experience. What happened was that night, which was supposed to be memorable love making in bed turned out to be an almost emergency catastrophe. So let’s recap from the start (I shall call him SBE;SEXY BLUE EYES) in the bed:

SBE: I want to be inside you, with your legs opened up hanging in the air..( I should stop typing...it was a sex talk, he was a dirty talker in bed ^_^).

Me: Yes, give me whatever you have.

A few minutes later while we were still in the missionary position, his face flushed, eyes rolling and the thrusting force had changed from fast to slow pace. I sensed he was not right, I withdrew myself out immediately and put him flat on his back.

Me: Are you allright? Too knackered?

SBE: I am..( long pause..before saying) OK....just feel very hot..sweaty and dizzy.

Me: Err..I will open the window to let some air in. (I was praying hard please do not faint or collapse in my bedroom otherwise I might need to call up). Feeling better now? (I fanned him..holly molly..sex had got to stop I was thinking)

SBE: yeah..a wee bit. I was feeling so damn hot when we were doing it and it almost took over me.

Me: The sex was too hot I guess..^_^..better stop it now otherwise, it costs you your life.

SBE: But..I haven’t..

ME: (I put my hands covering his mouth)..that is ok, we will see each other next time again when I am free to come down. ( better off no next time, I don’t want my name to appear in his death certificate ^_^) .

That was his gift to me, remarkable impression ^_^ and new vocabulary, sex syncope. For the first time in my life, sex was too hot to handle or could it be, too hot to handle sex. LOL.

Deep ThROat Too dEEp

I was down with sore throat for days feeling knackered over the weekends and almost ended up in hospital for intravenous antibiotics. I had it the next day after my sustained unfathomable deep throat experience with one of my dates. The feelings that night, was awesomely indescribable, like in heaven sipping delicious rum cocktail. I realised that the sexual groaning and moaning seemed to be louder the deeper you go. That puts a twist into your sex life, a sign of highly satisfied unforgettable life time sexual contact or encounter. It might be your first and last. Peak orgasms at the end of course but it takes longer than usual sex after you started off kissing, as the guy kept wanting and asking more, like a temporary drug addiction ‘ I will give you everything as long as you give me more’ desire. Disaster hit me the next morning, throat ticklish heralded the storm. My throat was killing me, I could not speak, barely eat and kept wishing my suffering would end, willing to trade my life for it to end the illness stage. A sense of impending doom, beginning to look for mistakes to reflect, could it have better off handled it that way instead of this way? Firing up myself with tonnes of questions, rhetorical of course, why me again dear god? It then strike me, risky behaviour exercise, the shenanigan I had that night. Tears trickled down my nose as I beg for forgiveness with remorse. I was too ill to seek medical help on my own so my mates lifted me up to get antibiotics prescription. I went through hell over the weekends while waiting for the symptoms to resolve. The antibiotics effects only started to kick in after two days. I swore and cursed its slow effect, more importantly, the culprit of all this mayhem, deep throat. So guys out there, please consider serious painful throat nasty bugs risk before putting your mouth deep inside.

The PrIcE To Pay

As I am writing this piece, in the train sipping cappuccino, my favourite coffee of all time, I was thinking about the new room, new place, new people and of course, the new hotties in town where I move. Aberdeen, the third biggest town after Edinburgh and Glasgow, is the next spot for me to find prince charming and secure a higher wages. As exciting as I was about to meet the new landlady for the new room, I decided to show her my wild side, the boisterous laughter with cheerful movement, not a seconds without a warmth smile, trying to build rapport as usual on the first meet. Much to my dismay, her eyes were as dull and as gloomy as the owl, sleepless night dark circle with heavy puffy eye bags. My instinct, the first impression tips which I learnt from psychiatrist, the big ‘D’ word, not unusual in developed country, UK, Depression. They say, in such a place full of grey granite building, gloomy weather, not much of sun tanned opportunity especially during winter where most of the rich people travel just to get sunshine, depression is the face you will see every day and everywhere. Anyway, as I was checking out the room, to my horror, the room was utterly in a mess. Mountain of dusts, stuffy smells and the current occupier who is about to move was there, sleeping in the bed under such poor hygiene circumstances with putrid scents of his. My first thought, dilemma. The room itself has a poor outlines, designs were absolute out of place and cleanliness scale immeasurable. The most lucrative deal is the distance. It is just half a mile from my work place, saves me lots of trouble from going to and fro and also the travel fees. There are two things to juggle here, distance and quality. Having thought for a at least 24 hours before moving in, I asked myself; should I find another room or alter the quality knowing that I could not really do much for the distance issue? Altering the quality, this takes half a day of massive sweeps, decluttering, changing the scent from yuckie to goodie and decorating my niche. Am I willing to pay to go through the hell bells of tidying? Answer is yes, I have finally decided to stay for good. ^_^.

DO WE PAY LOVE FOR SEX OR SEX FOR LOVE?

Have you ever come across people telling you or eavesdropping to a conversation that gays think of sex every less than 10 minutes? Or when a guy cheats you, you are sombrely in despair and your straight best friends solaced by saying

“I am so sorry, Honey. But gays can hardly be faithful. The good looking ones, it is easier to get them to bed than to your heart.”

Well, truth to be told, that was the consolation advice I got after despondency disintegration of my I-LOVE-YOU relationship for months. Needless to mention, the dramatic crying episodes I had gone through missing his love, touch and every sense of his smell he left me to linger hopelessly in bed. In fact, I took longer to recuperate than I used to in the past.


The first immediate action I pulled was to find love again, the quicker the better. My way, was a HORNY-SAVIOUR at nights. It is not hard to be the new saviour every night when you are young and lean. Plenty of wolves howl for bottoms just before the midnight sets in, everyday. At the beginning of this new temporary love seeking job, literary known to rescue rapes, the sexual pleasure was there and more over when the guy complimented your beauty, the sense of feeling appreciated, sense of belonging and knowing that someone likes you, make you feel valuable thinking that it was your ex-bf’s lost ditching you.


To add on, I sometimes imagined my ex making love to me when I was copulating with another guy. Such a shame, I know but then as I was going through the just-one-night and never call me back type of sleep for a wee while, I realised that the sweet memory of him which has been trapped in my mind that seemed to take ages to forget was gradually fading. Like a poison, slowly sipping out from my veins and the antidote was, yes, it was, being the horny knight to the rescue. During that time, it was the best antidote ever, substitution of love with sex.


As the days passed, I began to lose myself again. It was not a question of missing his love anymore, it was a question of my price, dignity, pride and on top of all, self-conscious; am I aware of the repercussion sleeping around and also my passion, a dream that one day I will find my shining armour prince who loves me as much as I love him. I remembered the time when I just came out from my closet, I swore to myself that I would not be someone who has meaningless sex just for temporary pleasure and I would only sleep with the person I love.


After much self thinking as well as concerns from my best mate, I started to pick up myself. My mate, he is totally the opposite version of me. He is straight, has a very strong inclination to what he wants in life, decency priority and to him, sex is a gift, a sacred blessing from the god to human beings who are in love. Sex is not meant to be fun nor empty pleasure. He believes with true love, comes sex. Nevertheless, he respects me for who I am and never pass any judgement unless I ask so. He found it hard to understand why do I need to have sex to get love, why can’t I do love first (not making love) before sex? And what is the hurry with sex?

Is your love going to be any difference from hetero although I know that homos tend to have higher sexual tendency? Is it not worth waiting for the right one to have sex?

All these mind blowing indefinite questions point towards one direction; I was paying sex to get love and my mate, he is paying love to get his holy sacred present from god, sex.


I just wonder if any of you have ever done what I did. My advice is, DO AT YOUR OWN RISK!