Just How far would you go?

Just How far would you go ? 

I Bumped into my of one my old friend ( Matty ) in the gym today after my tiring fitness class. This year my resolution is to make myself more attractive to catch the right bird therefore gym bunny or you rather it being called regular gym goer fits into my description of new year resolution. It had been always the same resolution for the past few years as the old saying goes “ survival of the fittest “ , ain’t fit ain’t going anywhere in your journey of looking for the right bird for the right love, well at least in our rainbow community I have come to the acceptance of “ guys love to look at attractive things which might be the first step in opening up the soul window in getting to know each other.” 

 So after the class, I sat down in the lounge with Matty to catch up on his life, especially the subject of love. He is in a long distance relationship which has been going on for almost 6 months now and he will be going to introduce his partner to his family soon in February, the red festive holiday, Chinese New year. It was truly a blessing to see everyone getting hitched and ready to move forward initiating the step in getting closer to one’s personal life including ones’s family. As long as the long distance relationship sounds, he does not mind flying 4 hours to another country just to meet his partner up over the short weekends. It becomes short although both of them are living apart more than a thousand miles. Matty is optimistic and goes out from his heart all the way to pursue his love dream regardless of the distance and time difference. If you asked me, I think I will be to exhausted travelling to and fro and lack of sleep would trigger my cranky side which nobody ever want to see. At times, he would even offer to call him up as a reminder of his important events ahead and even at wee hours given the time difference. Not just that , he also reached out to understand his partner’s social life. Yes as sweet as it might sound, all relationship has its own fair share of conflicts , especially in the period of discovering one another. The conflict started to stir as he gets to know his partner’s social life in depth.

 We all have that one friend, whom we called as bestie or BFF ( Best friends forever) to talk to us when we needed the most despite looking like a zombie without the need to put up a good look when meeting up. Unfortunately, the situation between Matty and his partner’s bestie did not sound too good. For instance, clash of objectives in life and some sort like a yin vs yang energy influencer in his partner’s life. So the struggle is real for Matty to either sway his partner to him and vice versa for his partner’s bestie. It is not easy and I know Matty is rational enough to let loose and not to loose his head over the conflict created by his partner’s bestie. Beastie to Matty but bestie to his partner. So there you go, the balance he needed to go through and eventually to find a way out to resolve beastie vs bestie issues that might surface more in the future to come as they go down the road together. As I was telling Matty, the love- hate relationship between two people is never ever just between him and his partner, but it does revolve around people who plays a certain role in our social background. Believe me you, if anyone has ever told you that the society influencers such as friends, family, work, environment and etc.. just to name a few are redundant in a relationship, that person must have had low sense of awareness of things of happening around or choose to ignore until one day the issue is significant enough to break the relationship apart. Speaking from my experience unless somebody would like to challenge it. Consequently, accepting somebody into your life involves accepting the person’s as a whole and that would include his partner’s bestie in Matty’s situation.


 Just as I was able to conclude the piece of the day , my phone buzzed with a text from my friend, ( dragon) inspirational quote of relationship which runs:



“ Seize the opportunity when it is knocking on your door. Each lifestyle we choose come with either sorrows or joys. In addition to it , nothing is permanent in this world so enjoy while you still have the opportunity to do so.”
Lots of questions popped up in my head and I texted back below :

“ How Do you know when it’s the right door? “

“ How do you safeguard your heart from getting hurt if you choose to open the door which you think it is the right one?”

“ Are we ready to accept the aftermath of opening the door to reveal all yourself including your flaws to the person you think might be the right one?”


“ Is there anything we could do to minimise the risks of opening the wrong door?”
Another buzz from the old wise one ( dragon who is one of my besties after refining his words in the text message),

there is no right or wrong in the relationship, it’s a choice you choose and be able to have the courage to face it. In life we take risk and even the perfect plan you have planned for a long time in your head might turn up to be the plan you absolutely have no control over. Yes in another word, it is unpredictable but having said that , are you gonna just stay put and not move on to try again. There is no one right single answer to the question.

At the the back of my mind, it narrowed down to my topic of the day again “ How far would you go for, in a relationship or for a relationship?”

How long is too long ?

Is there such thing as too long ? 

 The title might suggest otherwise if some of you thought I would start writing hanky panky intimate stuff but you are wrong. The issue I want to touch here is , is there such thing as being single for too long ? It crossed my mind to ponder such question after a so not fortunate event happened on my lunch time.

 As usual, given the nature of my job, eating alone is not something new to me and whether I am on my working day or not , I still dine and do things alone mostly by myself. I picked a western restaurant in the zest for some grilled meats and so I walked in, greeted by the waiter before sitting in. Just as I was about to flip the menu, one of the waitress came up to me and gave me a familiar look as if she had known me before. 

On second glance, I did not remember dating her and neither she was one of my clients. With her cap on , smiley face she started speaking 

“ Hi sir, I’d seen you before. I think when I worked in Bali Thai ( Thai restaurant) you always like to eat the same food and always eat alone, one person.” 

At that moment, I had to giver her credits for recognising me but on the other hand, her words of “ eat alone “ irked me and I was trying not to be rude, I replied her 

“ yes, good memory."and proceeded to order in the hope of her not interrogating me more with the eating alone context.  Yes, I know perhaps I was too sensitive and she meant well. 

However, what she said opened up my mind to another idea which I did not realise that actually I had been eating by myself every day ( including weekends ) for almost 4 years now. It has been a significant period in which even a stranger could pick up and recognised me eating alone. 

I did not imply that being single eating alone is not a good idea and forbidden thing to do in this new era but what she said kinda reminded me of being single for years. Although I have been dating new guys, here and there but at the end of the day, back to square one eating alone. 

 So how long is long enough being single or do you actually wait until your alarm goes off telling you you have been alone significantly enough for others to pick it up?

same old brand new me year 2018

1/1/18 

NEW YEAR OR NEW BLUES ? 

  The very first time I pen In for this year just right after the old year 2017 has flown by. Lots of new year wishes everywhere and Facebook is definitely the hottest platform for wishes and greetings. Speaking of Facebook, lots of people whom I used to know singles renewed their love or vows and some even declared engagement.

 On thumbing through, lots of unpredictable news especially people whom I came across, thought they would have a character too strong for commitment pronounced engaged on the new year day. Yes, the ring and the status switched from single to attached. This reminds me that my time is ticking, and I am far far away sitting at the back of the bus seat, waiting for the stop to get out or shall I say , waiting for the right one to whisk me out to look outside the world with him. Given the limitation of us being in the rainbow community make it hard to socialise out and loud in the conservative society and when it comes to fixing a date, nothing but the social app makes it easy or is it the other way round. The reason why I said was that a guy whom I got to know less than 48 hours on the social dating app chickened out last minute. We were supposed to meet up like an old fashioned reservation dinner for two in the restaurant but he could not make it, for a reason of working out too hard in the gym and prefer to rest at home to recover his muscle ache. Once is fine but twice is the shame for me . I was not born yesterday and the same old trick did not work out too good for me to believe that he was sincerely and genuine to go out with me .

The first lesson happened when the guy whom I got to know after two dates blew me off last minute of not attending the movies which I had reserved online for the tickets. The reason, last minute chickened out and his reason being , got caught up with his family. Feeling sick of asking people out and taking the initiative to make the first move, I abruptly disconnected myself from that guy out of feeling frustration and upset.


 What should be the way for dating , ask or do not ask ? 

 Happy new year for some but no so happy new year for the new start for me.

Dates ? Mates or check mate ?

Dates ? Mates or check mate ? 


I cannot believe it is new year in 2 days time, coming to year 2018 . I know for the fact that I have been trying hard to look for the one which I always do. I know for the fact as well that many single guys in the jack’d app are looking for one thing, the only one thing that make them feel secure. It could be anything, from sex to friendship. I had been in it for years, since coming over to this little city. Living in this tiny island, full of single millennials isn’t easy or shall I say, it looked harder than it seemed to just get a date you can hold on to. Just the other day, I got to know two guys from the popular social dating app while browsing for the right one for something more substantial, rather than just meet up date and never call again .

 The first guy , Mr. BC . He is nice , cute, decent well mannered and well spoken US educated fine looking guy , in his early 30s , we met up in my place after a few conversations in the app. We started chatting by exchanging common interest, he likes to play board game and quiet night in with some wine and so do I.The chat kept flowing and soon, we exchanged number and connected for more to know each other. There is a saying that, all the good ones are taken and guess what, it is true. He is attached with a partner for 2 years and will be leaving abroad soon back to his home in USA. He was here for a week just to visit his grandma and would be back to his life in USA. There it goes again, so close yet so far. I thought he would be the one reason for me to delete the social app for good but apparently not. I have to say it again, all the good ones are no longer single, they are either snapped or married. On losing my hope, I thought to myself, no a bad idea to know him as a friend. Although it was just a short meet up , I did learn a few things from him. I asked him what keeps them together , he said common interest. Both of them like to solve puzzle or mystery. Besides, on their anniversary, they participated a mystery game together to solve it and they absolutely love it. That actually opened up my eyes to a different world.

Attraction draws two guys together but what keeps two people together , is common ground interest.

 It is one of the things that will never ever grow old or out of it. Unlike, physical which over time it could wear off. This scenario has helped to open up my heart to see things beyond beauty and not everything is about physical attraction.

 The 2nd guy , Mr Ben. I have not met up with him but after a few chats on the app, we exchanged lINE contact ( another app similar to what’s app except that you do not have to disclose your number ). We spoke over the phone via LINE app chat and he sounded genuine in telling me himself and found him very sincere. He was not afraid in telling me his background and even his medical conditions to me. Imagine that you have not met somebody and you have the guts to tell someone who is stranger to you bout your personal background including illnesses. For once, I thought he was different and really appreciate for his honesty and giving me the privilege to listen to him. Based on that , I gave him credit for fear not in telling me all about him and decided to make the first move to ask him out. Initially , we made up our mind to meet up on Saturday night for dinner but as the day comes, he started becoming quiet. I have a bad gut feeling telling me that he might not want to meet after all and it turned out to be true. He texted me in the evening that day which we were supposed to meet saying that he needed to help his mum to do something. Fair enough, since we were not destined to meet or perhaps his fear took over him so I respect his decision. Emotions took over me and I deleted him off from my list and guess he will never be able to hear from me again.

Sad to say it was check mate for him and game over. 

money or love?

In the middle of busy processing some stuff, out of nowhere in the café, a sudden gaze at the most current popular social networking, Yes FB, reminded me of my immediate previous ex-partner. I shall call him Mr. C, make it simple, just the guy C. Looking through the pictures of profile, words to describe are cheerful, happy and smiley all the way through. None of them even showed sorrows and tears, too hard to spot, not even a dime to see to be honest. Nevertheless, there is something inside me, telling me the chemistry is strong and the connection is like the one I have never ever had before. It’s hard to describe but for instance, the best example I could give: Déjà vu. It feels like as if I had seen him before the first meet. It was subtle. He could not even ruled out if we had ever met in the past. It doesn’t actually bother me that much but what bothers me was the connection, simple yet tender feelings to share. Frankly, he was one of those rare ones in which I did not have to feel insecure of afraid telling him the whole truth. It was embarrassed to tell one when you are landed with plenty of impeccable drama. To him, I could almost completely be opened to him. Before I tell you more of my easily to trust and fall, gullible sort of person who never change despite millions of attempts to change. He cried on the second meet, yes, tears flowing out like a river. It’s the second day of grieving after yesterday since logging into my FB bumped into C’s fb. I asked myself, again and again what is it that he has that attracts me. Perhaps the love or the lusty one night in bed keeps holding me on. Definitely there is something inside me, can’t never ever forget him or even letting him go. There it was, I said it; the three words when somebody really wants someone desperately. The final verdict of the reply was,: “sorry and thank you for everything” reply from him. Oh gosh, everything has just fallen down I feel, tears almost out from, as always given my fragile nature. I am listening to the song, by the air supply “ making love out of nothing at all.” I did not understand at all , how can something so pure and so sweet of love can be made out of nothing at all. There is so much I can do, for I am only a human blessed with limited capability. I could not help it checking his FB last other few days just to get a glimpse of his where-about and his doings up and down. Listening to heaven’s what I feel , the old favourite past time much sought after by the latino in late 90s. My favourite catchy phase “ I am not supposed to fall in love with you, I have someone else, someone else is in love with you”. Nevertheless, when it is over, that is the time you fall in love again, whether with the same person or another, a whole different question all together. The bravest stunt I had pulled , the craziest one you could ever imagine. It is always the steep learning curve I have to ride, no easy way out. If I’d told you this, you most probably would have guessed the thick side of me. Yes, the pathetic hopeless romantic actions my friends once described. Somehow and some day, I will be all by myself and I do not need anyone at all. Standing firm on my feet, I do not need anyone to get me through this. Out of despair and feeling blues, I tagged along one of my future to be housemate to a temple to get blessing. As per the local people believe the prediction is very accurate. Plenty of deities seek the advice through praying and kowtow for good luck. I decided to give it a shoot and the prediction number for my love turned to be a bad one. It’s a bad number, it says there matchmaking would be unsuccessful and the chances of my dream getting swept off by a prince charming are very slim, likely insignificant. After reading the prediction, I was absolutely speechless. I could not believe that the same prediction surfaced 10 years ago when I was 18. Yes, I could still remember it clearly. It would be very hard and extremely hard for me to find someone. Family is far from ideal, at least I thought It would have changed in 10 years time but, regardless the efforts I put in and time I invested in, It is still futile. At that moment, I wanted to give up on love. I had been trying years to find it, patience is a virtual but it has been 10 years since started looking. I never deny the fact that I was once young and playful but this exploring phase of mine only lasted for 3 years. I spend the rest of the years, equivalent to 7 years searching for the right person. Out of all the guys I had been with, none of them really appreciate the faithful side of me. Frankly, I always had to be the one standing firm in the relationship and spice things up to procreate our love together. Like anybody in this world, there is a limit as to what I could do and months go on and on until I felt so exhausted. All of they did were just laid back with the wait and see approach. I had hit my breaking point, could not stand with the pressure given to push the relationship further. I realized it takes two ways for a relationship to work. Takes two to tango. Thinking to myself, why on earth I was the chosen one from abstaining the love from a person. Everyday, I could see people with children, living happily just a simple life as it is. Couple in love happily. All I ever wanted was the same. Simple love, to cherish one another but it seemed impossible. The more I looked for it, the harder it seemed to be. There was once, I did not believe in my destiny allocated by the god. I knew that there was no place for love for me in this world hence I lead myself to believe that I create my own destiny. I determined my own destiny. According to the popular Chinese belief, if you dabble with fire of things you do not understand and you shall get burned at the end. Given so many years of endlessly searching, trial and errors with my heart getting broken repetitively, I have to confess that it is time to believe and give up. Give in to destiny. and start planning my bachelor life. Consequently, I gave my BFF a buzz yesterday via skype to talk me out of this silly idea of mine not having anyone in my life. Relatively speaking, his encounters were even more complicated. Well, If I pen his story here, most probably it takes lot of pages to finish them. Feeling blues, I recently discovered a song. It is in chinese, although it is not the best language I could grasp since young, the song is captivating. It captured my heart straight off after the first listen. The name of the song is “ you exist in my life.” It describes me well in situation whereby love comes and goes. For some, love comes easily whereas for some, in my case, could it be destiny holding me off from getting the right one. Does the right guy exist in my world? Is it just a matter of time for the right guy to come along to twist my life around to a better one. If no, shall I plan to live alone by myself in this world. Optimistically, at least I have a friend who is willing to stay with me forever if I am not wed. There was a statement she made which I pondered throughout my sleepless nights. Love might betrayed you but money, it is yours if you earn it. Money will never ever betray you, if it is yours, it is yours forever if you keep them well enough. In retrospect, I used to think money is not on my priority list. However, I did ponder long enough what she said made sense…what’s your view.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

There is not a thought of where and how to start. Nevertheless, I do know I fall flat for it, the love. Many people have the idea that relationship starts from friendship and not the fairy tale, love at first sight. If fairy tale never ever existed, where is the truth of infamous Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, the well-known hopeless romantic total fictional story ever been told. However, the story I am about to tell is not fictional, a boy who is striving hard to keep the guy he really loves at bay, perhaps falling for him although he could be a prick sometimes. It started from the popular cruising app, with the misnomer G word, thank you to the widget app, god bless smart phone. I still remember vividly, the first time he ever spoke to me, sending countless of thoughtful messages and not to mention, too fast for me to scan through. As much as tedious as I had to reply, my subconscious kicks in telling me this guy is not just any other cruisers, something about him intrigued me. Before I move on telling you the aftermath, I shall tell you I am a kind of person looking for love, not too desperate, I could still live without a man in my life, except my dad for now. A guy with substance is my answer whenever the question of seeking pops out and hallelujah, I thought finally god has mercy on me after years of driving my wheel cornering. To put a twist on my drama, we actually knew each other on Xmas day, the joyous occasion. Yes, the giving and receiving time of the year although undeniably I rather receive than to give. His name is K, he is one of the kind who is discreet, given the nature of his job, a privacy and confidentiality are strictly up adhered. For once I actually thought he was what he claimed, public icon. Anyway, back to the time we knew each other chatting on the popular cruising app. It was decent of him trying hard to be sincere in every word of his, afraid he might say something rude which dispute off my attention towards him. I would not say it was a sweet talk, it was more like “I want to get to know you better and more” sort of conversation, strictly no sex talk. Frankly speaking, sometimes when I missed his witty charm, I would look back on the conversation and the feelings of it, just incomparable with other chatters. He is blunt, with no malicious intention behind, the least I could sense it. As time goes, from cruising app to the chat app, a more personal user friendly chat with somebody you have added, known as What’s app. So to take things further, we conversed in the app as he did not like the cruising app. It was good and very stimulating chat at first, witty jokes, charming flirtatious personality and I find his voice adorable, like a wee boy asking for a candy. Part of his charm which attracted me. Our subsequent conversation did not run the way I expected it to be. Conflicts of opinion started to arise, argument as to who is right and wrong stirred up. Both defensives, neither one of us would compromise and the golden “apologize”, seemed to be the hardest word of all to speak. Never mind the conflicts, but the time. Comes the new year not long after Xmas, I was expecting the best and also hoping for the best. The repercussion of it, fall full flat on the floor like a piece of metal piercing through my heart. It was unbearable and he almost took away my new year’s mood. I will let you be the judge of it and the story goes like this: in one of the conversations a few days prior to new year, I somehow picked up hints from him that he might be free on weekends to spend some good quality time together to find out each other more. Being a melodramatic person as I am, I thought he would be the best new year’s gift ever in my life. Recap, every new year’s eve, I would either be working or went to bed early to get ready for the morning blues work. Yep, no booze, no party nor celebration as most of my friends were home, taking time off to see their folks. My family doesn’t believe in Jesus and new year therefore new year mood is never around at home. They say, the higher your hope is, the more despair you will be. Yes, I bought this theory when he did not show any signs of his usual caring thoughtful manner 48 hours prior to new year. On the new year’s eve, I almost very close to nerve breaking down. The accusations started to throw, flying around as to whether he really cared bout me. I broke down in tears, hoping he would at least speak to me on new year but instead he was cooking by himself at home and invited his colleaque over to celebrate. I was so gutted when he did that. So so damn gutted, frustration took over me. The feelings of trust started to dissipate, less and less conversation through the phone. I confessed at times I was dumb to let my computer on for 72 hours hoping at least an email from him or checking my phone every 5 minutes to see his text. One week passed, no news from him and I decided to take the leap to text him first and in return, just one word, “busy”. I was extremely frustrated and this is the second time after the big shenanigan new year. I guess, he is just not that into me. What is over is over. Time to bin off all the promises, words and witty charms of his for good. I went on various dates, to get rid of him constantly playing in my mind. Nevertheless, I just could not let him off my mind and finally, I gave in another chance. This time, he promised to meet me at the end of the month so I waited patiently with no fuss in between. Texts were normal, nothing flowery and impressive. I knew this was not working but I persisted to stick to him. The date he promised to meet arrived. Much to my super angry out of frustration feeling hopeless, he blew me off the date saying he was busy with a rather big project. At the moment, I felt like a dumb blonde, waiting just to meet him counting down the minutes and hours every day. I phoned him directly telling him it is over, he is the factor to our date and he did not manage his time properly. I deleted him off from my list and blocked him on the cruising app. Much to my surprise, he texted me two months after that when I completely had him off my mind for good. In his text, he said he missed my voice and my laughter. Besides, he told me he had a chance to move close to the place where my job was relocated. My reaction was “too corny too be true’. I smirked and replied with “good luck”, continued my running exercise. That moment, I felt glad not because he texted me despite the massive argument 2 months ago and not even because he pulling off his charming words on me. It was because I did not have the urge feelings anymore towards him, the feeling of wanting him back. I felt really glad it was finally over, no more tears and I had successfully moved on.

The Big Word "D"

Dilemma Dear diary, here comes the chapter where I have been waiting for to write after plenty of trial and errors in dating. The latest one, the youngest and the most simple one I have ever dated, a historian student who lead a simple no worry take it as it is life comes type of background from a well protected family, a strong catholic believer. All these years I have been yearning for a guy who is simple, young and doesn’t pay much attention to his clothes, appearance and status. Finally god blessed me one and much to my surprise, my heart was in doubt as to whether he is the one for me. Deep down inside my heart, I am so afraid he is not actually who I am looking for, and my materialistic nature kicks in reminding me if he is the one you really want, who checked the box at the bottom of the list, not the top. Well, the top ones on the list are as you know me, wealth and appearance and bottom being the inner soul. They say, you can never have both, it’s just either one. As the old Chinese saying goes, either beauty or wealth but in this case, either heart or wealth. It is so hard for me to choose, my heart tells me one thing and the next minute another thing. I had him confused last night, very much to his despair almost close to getting rid of me. At one point, I almost wanted to give up letting his heart off but my self conscious kicks in, forcing hopes in my voice, instilling promises I never thought I would hence lighting up his despair to graceful hope. I feel guilty doing that but it is so difficult for me to confess. If I do it again, muddle with his feelings, it will smash him so badly and his finals are around the corner, I don’t want to be responsible for his regrets, failure or sorrows. I am evil enough to have sent the unsure doubtful signals and not wanting to cost him his course, his only life goal at the moment after been travelling so far from Ireland. Home wrecker, bad ass, slut crazy insane bitch which I have been but not a life smasher and no, I am not gonna be one destroying his future. He is a good caring gentle guy but why I never see future with him, why is it so murky and cloudy unlike other guys on grindr although I know they are just after sex. Looking at the jesus Christ cruxifixed picture in the museum today reminds me of thousand endless sins I have committed that I din realise, the cross he was carrying, suddenly hit my head telling me that all the burdens and sins I had in the past, it is endless and beyond my great expectation. I thought I have done good in my life but it is the opposite and that’s when the 3rd prophecy I had been told when I was young came resonating in my brain: no family, no children and difficult to find a faithful partner. Another thing I realised the other night while skyping was I wanted to be in his shoes, the opposite ones who is being spoilt and not the one to spoil. In another word I like to be pampered by someone who is wealthy enough to do that for me. For instance, my close friends friend has recently announced the wedding bell not long after they engaged. The diamond ring is as big as a solid rock, the one you can find in the beach and in the picture, the diamond outweights her beauty. She is pretty damsel herself who knows how to look after herself, talented with a degree and definitely a wife’s material. Her husband would be is so out from her league, in fact totally out of her league in terms of look but then again, bachelor guy with stable big fortune income plus wealthy family background who lives in a house no one can ever resist not to stay there for more than a night, much bigger and modern than any ordinary studio apartment. So when it comes to the big question, proposal to tie your heart down with grounds offer like that, the temptation is too much not to say yes, and yes she said as predicted. At the meantime while looking at another couple from the other perspective, both of them come from average class family with stable income and of course with a degree, a professional degree. Both of them have been with each other since student in university and still going strong till now. Sad to say, both of them will part soon due to jobs. She is a career minded woman who never gives up on her job for a housewife to be at home, who cooks for her husband, ready for morning breakfast and tidy up the sheets and spring-cleaning after laundry. Her boyfriend or fiancée future to be is much very interested in getting her to take after his mother. Sad to say, she is so different from what he wants her to be after marriage and obviously, the children she said two but her husband said 7! Yes, seven that it is. The arguments and debate between them too is logical and sensible and sometimes, I could not even decide which one to side as a friend, torn in between so I just did what is best, when you say nothing at all. The trick, silence is golden really works. That moment of silence, is like a mirror, for themselves to reflect on about what each other think about it. They do not show it but they do ponder the thoughts suggested trying to meet each other demands or hopes I should put it. In connection to me with all these fuss and rhetorical ideas, if only I can select what I want. The first couple, I would want wealth, stable and of course the elegant family background. The one who enjoy pampering me and the jewellery, absolute yes. The second couple, the role which the guy expect me to take and brainy decent appearance. As much as I want as mentioned above, luxurious pampered life everyone striving hard to get, they called it an American dream: white picket fences bungalow house, dogs in the yard running and children chasing dreams, I want stability, security and a promising aspect in life. Let’s dwelled in the first subject, security! What makes you feel secure, define security. Let’s see, from my point of view, it means to keep you safe and feel safe all the time. When unexpected things or events occur, you have to energy and the will to resolve and including picking up the repercussions of action following the decision you made. It could be as simple as moving to a new place, deciding where to settle down your life as well as your career, what you do for living. The next question that follows, what keep you safe? In what aspect you need to have or to possess to feel safe. Is being on your own with a secured professional job enough to keep you warmth comfy with no sorrows the next day although you have the huge king sized bed all by yourself at night. So job is one of them. The next, family or next of kin. As weird as it sounds, some people function well among the family, it is almost close to what we called as niche. Your very own comfort zone, never goes out of it, you just know they are always there, will be there for whatever things you count on. Another word for it, kindred spirit. Here comes the next subject, the most rhetorical ones in the century, no one knows what is the answer to it, brain always play tricks, complicated and hard to tell, who to believe, the scientist? The lovers who have been together for years and still strong? The psychologist who defines everything trying hard to arrive a diagnosis for treatment? Your mum who always ask you to follow your gut feelings and nagging your every movement making sure you are perfect the way you are? Your friend who reminds you love will come one day and it is sooner than you thought which in fact I have been hearing that for years now and still sounding in my brain? The doctor, who asked you to keep your priority rights in life? The married couple, too busy to elaborate the meaning of love trying to keep the hyper active children at bay? Yes the key subject in this paragraph, love. I know I have been babbling about love a lot in all my columns, nevertheless it is the subject of importance. It makes you feel secure, hyper and hypo, roller coaster ride, exciting and the closest hurts the most, the loveliest gestures taste sweeter than sugar. In chinese, the old saying goes, water is enough to keep you full when you are in love. In line of the continuation as above, the other day I was working, just a typical normal day where you had enough time for a craic with one of my colleaques. One of the things she said catch my attention as to I did not see that coming out from her mouth. Yes, She did it the same as none other than my friends, the good one will come to you and you will find a good one the sort of nonsense comforting talk. First of all, I did not even open up to her my vulnerability despite searching for years, trying hard and far to find the perfect one. Here comes again, Did I just say the word perfect? I had no idea where did that come from neither as the other people who heard the conversation as I was not desperate to have one. At the moment, I have a lot on my plates to worry about, my career outmost the love subject because I was not the lucky one who was born with the golden spoon, relentless worries of whether there will be enough food tomorrow. To be fair, she could sense something was not right as she is as smart as rocket scientist but one step behind Einstein as she has married with one wee boy. A single parents family, not unusual in this country where you see countless of family with similar up-growing.

complicated or delusional

Well, it’s the time of the year again, Xmas around the corner, booze, family gathering for some, those who are married with enormous children at home wagging their tongue for festive meals, big giant turkey and sweet dessert. For some, it means Xmas night out with friends prior to the celebration of virgin Mary’s son, Jesus Christ. While some having celebration with booze, for me a farewell dinner before I leave for a better job prospect. At the dinner table, comes the gal who claimed relationship a problem, the exact word she describes, complicated yet she still lingers for the hopes she has been on lingering for more than six months, yes 6 months! She has given all she could ever possible or someone could have ever asked before. All the good deals start with the big “C”s, in fact more than just one C. Never mind the age gap, the culture and the parental factors as she is able to take up the challenge. One could only envy what she has to offer but the main key point here missing is the chemistry. Like the old proverb goes, it takes two for the keys to click and believe it or not, I trust the key-lock hypothesis. It is only the right key to the happiness to unlock the right lock. Yes, there is only one key for everyone. Different bearers have different shapes, colour and to match the brand too. Me on the other hand, has been struggled to find the right key, the ultimate one despite endlessly aiming for 5 years. Ups and downs like a roller coaster, it was an exciting rough ride. Regardless of the drama entailing the ride, there is always a person sitting next to me in the ride. That’s my best pal ever I met throughout my years being abroad. As I am writing this piece, I am up in the sky, over thousands of attitudes awaiting a thousand over miles journey before I could call home for Xmas. Boarding the airline might give you a surprise. What looks in the inside doesn’t always give you the whole story as it is a whole different feel inside. Decorations in line with the festive mood, peak season does not come free without children, sometimes wonder could it be a tears of joy or cursed tie down trapped freedom. One thing that smirks me off is the wee soft toy hanging in the aisle . It’s frosty, the snowman and now the red suit bearded over weight guy we know as Santa Claus. The flight was a full house, with a miniature TV in every seat except the front row with no leaning seats in the front. The food, I would rate 7 out of 10.The presentation is better than airway I have been in. Silver solid cutlery was given with the aroma spicy curry on board, savoury rice and lastly complementary dessert. My favourite bit. All-right too much babbling, time to revert to the topic we discussed earlier, the complicated delusional one has on for hopes, faith and slowly fades into profound memory. There was coffee discussion between her and her complicated yet to know potential date, not a step forward to partner. One willing to compromise but the others feel bad when she compromise, yes the guilt will eat her up as the sacrifice is too big, might costs her whole life. Decision, tougher than you could imagine. Most often than not, in our lives, choices are options. Back in those old days, there was never a question of options. People just do after what they have been told. No question, no doubts policy. You just need to find a way to adapt your way through. If success, well done and if fail, a shame in Asian culture and try your best again in Western. In the end of it, it is the love that holds two together, not money, not asset, not friendship. Wait a minute, Did I just say friendship. Where has the old motto gone, value friendship more than relationship. The golden rule I always applied whenever envy kicks in. I guess it is an excuse others, single potential bachelor used to make them feel much better and secure with the words “ who needs a partner when you have mate”. Easier said than done, mellowness starts to kick in when you are away from home, be it studies, business purpose or a better job prospect. The time when you reached for the phone, it goes to voice mail. Mates gone home for gathering, the once a year festive gathering and when you come home, you realised there was no one at home, empty, cold and blackness engulfing the whole apartment, leaving you to linger your plan the next minute. That is the time where you desperately get on the line to call home and later little did you find out that no one is at home, left a voice mail unanswered until tomorrow afternoon listening to the joyful cracks your mum was telling you and the fun she had on a night out. You begin to wonder, is this the sort of life you want to live? Speaking of her, she has all the good “KIKI”s a girl could ever ask for, or should I use the word dying for. Of all the goodness, it has been enriched in the wrong place, the wrong person and the wrong time. Let’s break it into pieces, shall we? Family affair no longer an issue she should be concerned about, out and proud. Financial situation, let me put it in this way, driving an Audi car with a stable job with a title in the front of her name. Sounds a good deal. There are three things she mentioned in the relationship, ground rules set up by her future “counter part”. Such she vividly reminded mutual respect, compromise and the last one is not on top my head now. Nevertheless, it seemed that she was set up with the conditions without her thoughts on it. They say love is blind, as far as the eyes can see. Its true, when you are deeply or grossly emotionally stuck to someone, all you see is denial. However the reasons are, there would be always the positive side of the story when the signals are clearly heading towards asking her to step back, get out and the sooner she realised it the better in situ with the popular “ She’s just not that into you” film. Sounds familiar, yes it is for me “ He’s just not that into you” Nobody said it was easy, such a shame they have to part. Running in circles, catching up on each other’s tail, isn’t she sick and tired of repeating the cycle again and over again. As for me, you have already subconsciously guessed the answer. Yes, it makes my gut wrench and spasm occasionally. The most difficult part for me to go back to square one, restart everything again from scratch. It scared and in fact, some people find it terrifying to have to rebuilt your comfort zone when it is either broken or invaded. Unless, you are the primadonna, never your fault no matter how much you play. Now standing in the front of the aisle, not too far from the loo, standing a father with a child. Child not behaving, running like a tarzan hence baby hugs to get rid of the madness which I foreseen hopefully would not happen.

OnE YeAr ReCAp

It has been more than a year since the last time I wrote. A massive change, from student to working adult ( in fact still coping with the transition phase, not easy). So let's see, what have I have gone through the past one year:

1) love ( ^_^ as always the first priority); now and again the same trouble in hanging on to relationship, dates come and go like a roller coaster. When you want him the most, ain't no easy way out. When you are in doubt, that's when you are not ready to commit. Been told not to give up on my faith as love comes to those who believe it, but just not long ago after I gave up ( with tears, yes I am a cry baby), somehow something begins lurking. I am beginning to wonder, if love comes to those who do not believe it.

2) career; a stable promising one with chances to progress and salary increment too. One thing good is that I dun have to feel guilty buying expensive high quality clothes anymore, no longer leeching my parents wealth. Nevertheless, for a reason I don't quite understand and almost everyone agrees that being a student is richer than freshman. I find myself spending less now than when I was a student although still hard to resist new outfits. I luv wearing fresh new lines ^_^.

3) lifestyle; new job new place new people. The same as everywhere given the heterosexual population tipping over the homosexuals, my circle tilt towards away from my own kind. Less drinking, I am obliged to embrace the responsibility taking care of the image my boss projecting "google definition of Health by WHO".

As much as changes take place, one thing never change is my cheerful bubbly personality. Always brighten up the place I work in with colors, joys and something someone worth remembering me, a one of a kind ^_^, my distinctive giggles LOL.

SEX sYnCoPe!

Just before moving to a new place, one of my dates wanted to send me off a goodbye memorabilia before I leave. No, it was neither a gift nor an object of affection, it was his near collapsed experience. What happened was that night, which was supposed to be memorable love making in bed turned out to be an almost emergency catastrophe. So let’s recap from the start (I shall call him SBE;SEXY BLUE EYES) in the bed:

SBE: I want to be inside you, with your legs opened up hanging in the air..( I should stop typing...it was a sex talk, he was a dirty talker in bed ^_^).

Me: Yes, give me whatever you have.

A few minutes later while we were still in the missionary position, his face flushed, eyes rolling and the thrusting force had changed from fast to slow pace. I sensed he was not right, I withdrew myself out immediately and put him flat on his back.

Me: Are you allright? Too knackered?

SBE: I am..( long pause..before saying) OK....just feel very hot..sweaty and dizzy.

Me: Err..I will open the window to let some air in. (I was praying hard please do not faint or collapse in my bedroom otherwise I might need to call up). Feeling better now? (I fanned him..holly molly..sex had got to stop I was thinking)

SBE: yeah..a wee bit. I was feeling so damn hot when we were doing it and it almost took over me.

Me: The sex was too hot I guess..^_^..better stop it now otherwise, it costs you your life.

SBE: But..I haven’t..

ME: (I put my hands covering his mouth)..that is ok, we will see each other next time again when I am free to come down. ( better off no next time, I don’t want my name to appear in his death certificate ^_^) .

That was his gift to me, remarkable impression ^_^ and new vocabulary, sex syncope. For the first time in my life, sex was too hot to handle or could it be, too hot to handle sex. LOL.

Deep ThROat Too dEEp

I was down with sore throat for days feeling knackered over the weekends and almost ended up in hospital for intravenous antibiotics. I had it the next day after my sustained unfathomable deep throat experience with one of my dates. The feelings that night, was awesomely indescribable, like in heaven sipping delicious rum cocktail. I realised that the sexual groaning and moaning seemed to be louder the deeper you go. That puts a twist into your sex life, a sign of highly satisfied unforgettable life time sexual contact or encounter. It might be your first and last. Peak orgasms at the end of course but it takes longer than usual sex after you started off kissing, as the guy kept wanting and asking more, like a temporary drug addiction ‘ I will give you everything as long as you give me more’ desire. Disaster hit me the next morning, throat ticklish heralded the storm. My throat was killing me, I could not speak, barely eat and kept wishing my suffering would end, willing to trade my life for it to end the illness stage. A sense of impending doom, beginning to look for mistakes to reflect, could it have better off handled it that way instead of this way? Firing up myself with tonnes of questions, rhetorical of course, why me again dear god? It then strike me, risky behaviour exercise, the shenanigan I had that night. Tears trickled down my nose as I beg for forgiveness with remorse. I was too ill to seek medical help on my own so my mates lifted me up to get antibiotics prescription. I went through hell over the weekends while waiting for the symptoms to resolve. The antibiotics effects only started to kick in after two days. I swore and cursed its slow effect, more importantly, the culprit of all this mayhem, deep throat. So guys out there, please consider serious painful throat nasty bugs risk before putting your mouth deep inside.

The PrIcE To Pay

As I am writing this piece, in the train sipping cappuccino, my favourite coffee of all time, I was thinking about the new room, new place, new people and of course, the new hotties in town where I move. Aberdeen, the third biggest town after Edinburgh and Glasgow, is the next spot for me to find prince charming and secure a higher wages. As exciting as I was about to meet the new landlady for the new room, I decided to show her my wild side, the boisterous laughter with cheerful movement, not a seconds without a warmth smile, trying to build rapport as usual on the first meet. Much to my dismay, her eyes were as dull and as gloomy as the owl, sleepless night dark circle with heavy puffy eye bags. My instinct, the first impression tips which I learnt from psychiatrist, the big ‘D’ word, not unusual in developed country, UK, Depression. They say, in such a place full of grey granite building, gloomy weather, not much of sun tanned opportunity especially during winter where most of the rich people travel just to get sunshine, depression is the face you will see every day and everywhere. Anyway, as I was checking out the room, to my horror, the room was utterly in a mess. Mountain of dusts, stuffy smells and the current occupier who is about to move was there, sleeping in the bed under such poor hygiene circumstances with putrid scents of his. My first thought, dilemma. The room itself has a poor outlines, designs were absolute out of place and cleanliness scale immeasurable. The most lucrative deal is the distance. It is just half a mile from my work place, saves me lots of trouble from going to and fro and also the travel fees. There are two things to juggle here, distance and quality. Having thought for a at least 24 hours before moving in, I asked myself; should I find another room or alter the quality knowing that I could not really do much for the distance issue? Altering the quality, this takes half a day of massive sweeps, decluttering, changing the scent from yuckie to goodie and decorating my niche. Am I willing to pay to go through the hell bells of tidying? Answer is yes, I have finally decided to stay for good. ^_^.

DO WE PAY LOVE FOR SEX OR SEX FOR LOVE?

Have you ever come across people telling you or eavesdropping to a conversation that gays think of sex every less than 10 minutes? Or when a guy cheats you, you are sombrely in despair and your straight best friends solaced by saying

“I am so sorry, Honey. But gays can hardly be faithful. The good looking ones, it is easier to get them to bed than to your heart.”

Well, truth to be told, that was the consolation advice I got after despondency disintegration of my I-LOVE-YOU relationship for months. Needless to mention, the dramatic crying episodes I had gone through missing his love, touch and every sense of his smell he left me to linger hopelessly in bed. In fact, I took longer to recuperate than I used to in the past.


The first immediate action I pulled was to find love again, the quicker the better. My way, was a HORNY-SAVIOUR at nights. It is not hard to be the new saviour every night when you are young and lean. Plenty of wolves howl for bottoms just before the midnight sets in, everyday. At the beginning of this new temporary love seeking job, literary known to rescue rapes, the sexual pleasure was there and more over when the guy complimented your beauty, the sense of feeling appreciated, sense of belonging and knowing that someone likes you, make you feel valuable thinking that it was your ex-bf’s lost ditching you.


To add on, I sometimes imagined my ex making love to me when I was copulating with another guy. Such a shame, I know but then as I was going through the just-one-night and never call me back type of sleep for a wee while, I realised that the sweet memory of him which has been trapped in my mind that seemed to take ages to forget was gradually fading. Like a poison, slowly sipping out from my veins and the antidote was, yes, it was, being the horny knight to the rescue. During that time, it was the best antidote ever, substitution of love with sex.


As the days passed, I began to lose myself again. It was not a question of missing his love anymore, it was a question of my price, dignity, pride and on top of all, self-conscious; am I aware of the repercussion sleeping around and also my passion, a dream that one day I will find my shining armour prince who loves me as much as I love him. I remembered the time when I just came out from my closet, I swore to myself that I would not be someone who has meaningless sex just for temporary pleasure and I would only sleep with the person I love.


After much self thinking as well as concerns from my best mate, I started to pick up myself. My mate, he is totally the opposite version of me. He is straight, has a very strong inclination to what he wants in life, decency priority and to him, sex is a gift, a sacred blessing from the god to human beings who are in love. Sex is not meant to be fun nor empty pleasure. He believes with true love, comes sex. Nevertheless, he respects me for who I am and never pass any judgement unless I ask so. He found it hard to understand why do I need to have sex to get love, why can’t I do love first (not making love) before sex? And what is the hurry with sex?

Is your love going to be any difference from hetero although I know that homos tend to have higher sexual tendency? Is it not worth waiting for the right one to have sex?

All these mind blowing indefinite questions point towards one direction; I was paying sex to get love and my mate, he is paying love to get his holy sacred present from god, sex.


I just wonder if any of you have ever done what I did. My advice is, DO AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Sex Or No SEX?

What is your choice? Sex or No Sex?

In this 21st century, having a good pay job, a warmth comfy niche you call your own, great pals, delicious food and booze are the basic needs a guy striving to have before he screams ‘I HAVE IT ALL, PEOPLE!’. To me, one thing is missing, SEX!

Whether you are having sex with your partner or randomly on casual Never-Phone-Back weekends’ nights, it is your choice. Some choose not to have sex until after ‘Till Death do Us Part’ acknowledgement, as the holy people preach, no pre-marital sex. Does it really matter whether to have sex or not before you tie the knot clutching his heart to yours forever? Being nosy as I am, I pulled all my network strings; online pals, dates, ONS guys, friends and closed mates( straight and gays) to open the Pandora question; would you have sex before or only after shovelling up the engagement ring into your finger?

These are the feedbacks I have got so far after weeks of butting in peoples’ sex life from various social networks (after consent of course ^_^);

“I slept with my closed gay guy friend and topped him over the moon but I did not do it with my girl although I was sleeping next to her.”

The reason, confused sexual orientation.

“It is not decent to sleep with a girl before publically announced indirectly to the world in the wedding that I will take her virginity away tonight after the booze cocktail party,”

Coming out from a conservative guy who has devoted all his life to god and plus, he only wants to marry a decent down to earth virgin girl.

“Sex is not without its consequences, think twice before you sleep. Pain is one of them and yesterday, that was my first anal sex and it was not without unforgettable pain. You can forget your marriage if you develop anal sex phobia”.

First gay timer is always the first new to feel ^_^.

“It is entirely up to my future partner. I don’t want to screw up our love just for a brief moment of pleasure due to lust. Forcing will never ever work.”

This came from a guy who had been working his ass off to get the guy whom he believed has fallen in love with for months until now but still need to fuel up more oil just to get his attention. Good luck to you, pal.

“I believe in sex after marriage, a union of love between me and my husband and I don’t sleep around. Only with my husband shall I reserve my bed for”.

A virgin girl as pure as virgin mother Mary who grew up reading Eternal-Happiness high self esteem books proudly reserved her bed for her Mr. Right.

“In gays, having sex helps you to know if the sex is right or feels right before marrying him otherwise you will be sorry for a pre-nuptial assignment. Sex in gays resembles children in heterosexual couples, which is believed to keep homosexual couples together as forever as possible.”

Now, this came from one of my ONS casuals who usually sleep on the first date and of course, I only popped out the question after sleeping with this yummy delicious guy ^_^.

“It is a difficult decision to make. My answer to your question is; is it going to make a difference sleeping before or only after marriage? It is just sex anyway.”

This is kind of a rhetorical answer with no right or wrong way of doing things coming out from a lawyer would be in the future. Political? Definitely ^_^.

“Err..Sex! I don’t know, with humans or animals?"

Holly Molly, how did he get into my MSN network, I absolutely have no clues.


There were other answers, some explicit whereas some with broken points deviated away from my key question. Those 8 responses above are the closest of all.
As you can see, a wide variety of opinions from all walks of life think according to their beliefs while some, do not think it is an issue. It is your choice to sleep or not to sleep. I guess it answers the question, IT IS YOUR CHOICE!


Nevertheless, another question popped into my mind just after finished writing the previous paragraph, assuming that you truly love a person; DO YOU MARRY FOR SEX OR DO YOU HAVE SEX TO GET MARRIED?

BaRebaCK?

Does it worth having bareback?

No protection, no lube and plus no time waste on putting on the rubber tubes which some guys experience allergic itch after putting them. Definitely, the excitement is there, friction makes you feel good and give you a sense of reward in return. No hassle, just get on with your family jewel and drive you high up like a rocket straight to the moon. Isn’t it wonderful to feel over the moon, especially when making love with the person you truly love or just for the love of doing it? They say, everything comes with a price. There is nothing free in this world, including condom of course. The price to pay for sex is huge, one often over sees it. Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea and thrush, don’t they sound familiar in the flyers, posters and telly everywhere around the world. These are the presents or perhaps the price you pay for after sex enjoyment if you don’t pay enough attention to the importance of rubber tubes. The most devastating nasty bug in which the scientists researcher rolled millions of efforts, money and time on discovering the one magical cure to no avail, like antibiotics to wipe off the bacteria, is nothing new to us, HIV. Unfortunately, it is not a bacteria therefore antibiotics are futile in treating individuals who are infected with this never ending self-replicating smart virus.


As for me, I personally experienced bareback, and I really have to admit that it was wonderful, a whole different sexual pleasure when it comes to NOT using rubber tubes. The ride resembles roller coaster, thrusting up and down erotically high. It was a life time of experience and it will be my only first and last one. As wonderful as it may sound, post-sex feelings are wonderfully challenged in your mental, popping with the gold question; do I have HIV? After my new sexual encounter, bareback for the first time in my life, I began to behave like what other people typically behave, should I go for the test? Can I take results? I remembered vividly, when I was waiting for the results anxiously, restlessly with my cap on, trying to shield from others who might see me longing for the results and I was hoping and praying hard no more second time. Meanwhile I was bargaining with the god for the result, more to like making a pact with the god; If I were negative, I will never ever do it again, never in my life. Out of pathetic and sheer dumb of ignorance for having sex without protection, god has finally forgiven me with a blessing of negative result. That was a huge relief and I should say that, it was much better than sex in the state of knowing your health is fully secured and within your control.


My advice is, there are two ways to see things in life after doing something you regret doing it. Insecure feelings tend to engulf when you are out from your comfort zone. To retrieve back the comfort zone you once stepped out that you swear you should have never taken, involves lots of courage, mentality power or stability and also the will power to go back to square one. However, the reward, after splurging yourself with tonnes of efforts just to be back in your zone, is worthlessly lucrative. There is no money you can buy such reward. Armed with courage going through the test and knowing the results negative are ludicrously heaven. For others, stepping out from one’s zone simply means taking a new step, risking for the reward you desperately want, you reap what you sow.



Meanwhile, back to the cornerstone of the topic,I slept with a guy (protected sex) who was in his 40s and has had un-protective sex for many times despite the awareness of the risks. Besides, he had threesome when he was young without protection. In spite of so many risky occasions he had, he was negative and took the test more often than a child going for a merry go round. I can’t help but wonder, did it not occur to him that one day; he will pay for his action? I asked him and he just slammed me off by saying ‘you don’t understand the top guy’s feelings having a rubber tube covered up inside you and vice versa’. Well, there is one thing I understand, apart from receiving guilty pleasure from your awesome ‘bare’ gifts, one will also receive the emotional turmoil and can barely go through the big “H” test. To add on, he protested, you only live life once and it is just a matter of time you date “Jack the Ripper”, so live your life.

Is life too short for us not to have such guilty pleasure or are you willing to have a short life for the guilty pleasure?

Rescue or to be rescued?

Big massive wave

It’s over, after a couple of months affectionate love and pampering his needs, more than just sexual needs and he finally pulled the plug to call it off. Let’s call him Mr. P. It was wonderful for the first few weeks and I was all over the heel for him, his passion, honesty and cute smiley blue eyes blinded me to fall for him in just weeks. As usual, we had sex not long after the 1st date and there was nothing I could complain, not even a nick of tiny trivial stuff that I usually picked on casual sex. The moment I stepped on to meet his parents, to gain acceptance in his life and he started to freak out. He din even speak a word to negotiate or even reason logically. Instead of rationing, he stopped talking to me and sent me an email of his anger and frustations over my inconsiderate childish suggestion to stay over in his house for summers to build rapport with his parents. The truth is, I don’t really mind if he refused to permit me to meet his parents although he is out to his parents. What hurts me the most was the way he said things in his email which was ‘you may think I am a self-fish bastard, you can just forget me if you dun like me’. This is a powerful statement leaving to me to linger with sleepless days of clueless thoughts with the hope he would retract back these words. Sadly, he did not take back his words but he did apologise for things did not really work out between us and babbled with the same convincing break up words such as ‘you are handsome,,,cute..you deserve someone better than me’… of course, I was badly devastated after reading.



A few days after the big wave landed on me, one of my gfs and I were speaking about her mum trying to set her up with a date. The problem is, my gf shows no absolute interest at all. She wants to be single for the rest of her life, she doesn’t want or need to share her life with someone else, especially watching telly. She prefer to have her own space and freedom to control her telly, That way, it gives her the power to control her favourite channel, her life and her own hobby. Isn’t that a little self-fish, having things on your own, all by yourself without sharing. She did not grow up reading the happy ever after story book and she doesn’t have a clue enough to believe it. I , on the other hand, grew up with cherish thoughts that one day, my white horse shining armour knight will set me free and rescue me from the loneliness empty prison. Wait, hold it there, did I just mention the word rescue.



Are all of us waiting to be rescued or getting ready to rescue?

Relationship?

What keeps the relationship in gay couple going?

I was strolling the chat-room the other day and I encountered a guy, who is in his 30s and engaged to a partner for 10 years. Yes, they have been together for 10 years, doing things together, eating together and fooling around with another together, sometimes with a third party. Yes, I believed the word is threesome. Then it crossed my mind that, is there a monogamy in homo relationship? Even if it does not exist in the dictionary of two guys living happily ever after, does it really matter? The guy whom I mentioned was online looking for someone for threesome, of course with his partner’s knowledge. Doesn’t it feel like cheating sleeping with another guy intentionally? But wait, cheating is the word reserved for those who sleep without consent from the other partner. In his defence, he obtained full consent from his partner and both of them indulge the threesome sex together. This leads me to think, well, it is not that impossible to have a family with children in homo relationship although it comes with strict rules and regulations. The person who authorised the adoption make it hard on purpose for gay couples in looking for adoption as they want to ensure that the child has a proper good healthy environment to grow. But then again, comes back to the question, how many of us are ready to take full responsibility looking after the children welfare. Without children, can sex over take the key that maintain the relationship like in heterosexual relationships do? If yes, how long?

A few days after writing this piece, I bumped into one of my old friends online. His name is Mr. A, he is one of the hot pies in his 40s and he is attached to a guy for nearly 7 years and still counting. I then asked what he thinks about homo- relationship. So the conversation started to flow and he eventually spilled out the beans that he wasn’t actually ready or prepared to commit to anyone although he is now. The reason is simply freedom. He wants to do things on his own , free from permission and also from putting his needs before his partner. His motto passion in life is Freeway, feel free to express his ways of life without soliciting anyone, including his family. However, both of them are living together under one roof pending on commitment. Doesn’t it mean that when two guys stay together in the same room for quite a long while signifies something more than just hook up, in his case, 7 years of same sex with the same person. He denies being in a relationship and still think they are both under trial period for relationship. So it means staying together without commitment.


Do you actually live in a relationship based on mutual understanding prior to commitment or based on love commitment?

WhAT's nEXT AfteR the ' Yes I DO..to Be your bF but Not MARriAge'

They say, it is hard to find someone who is truly and brave enough to commit a strong solid relationship, the kind of happy ever after just you and me no ogling or fantasizing other guy type of relationship. This is especially true in homosexual relationship..it is pronounced as Ho.Moh..SEX..you.all . Yes, it is the word SEX that holds us back from the ‘I do, you’re the only one in my life ‘. I was in the conversation with a bisexual guy who thinks that the chances of two guys living together are slimmer than the tree branch ( I strongly disagree with what he said..but he is a pig head..and one day..wishfully I can prove him wrong ^_^) and on the other hand, heterosexual couples have higher chances of living together as his argument was that having a family with children hold the couples strong together but not in homo couple. However, I debated (really feel the need to defence us, the ‘community’ although I am not a pro gay activist) that in this new millennium, adoption is permissible and legal in some place and the lack of children problem that hold two people together is resolved then. Then, he popped out another question, ‘how many gay guys want to adopt children, maybe those trashies couple at the bottom of the market (those guys who are not fortunate enough to be considered as attractive in gays community) but not the hottie pies, they know nothing about raising and adopting children, they are too self centred for themselves for sex and out of how many gay guys in the street rather have children than having sex with hot tushies?’. In my defence, I argued that not everyone wants hot guys just for sex, some want to share their life with and have a family and not all hot guys are brainless..at least not me ^_^. Whatever it is, what he said has left me to ponder this question, what is left after yes I do, be it for sex with just us two or for abstinence from sleeping with other hot guys. What is going to happen next? How do you salvage your relationship once the sexual passion for one another has run out? Love maybe the answer, but again what is love? More and more questions coursing through my veins as to answer that question. To be honest, I haven’t been in love before...maybe love did show up but I did not realise it. Can we, just have sex with the same person for the rest of our lives to show commitment for love?

No FCuk!!

What a nippy Fcuk sex I have ever had in my life. It was last saturday, I have been getting in touch with this guy in MSN for like almost a year and decided to have some fun to fulfill my needs for rebound to overcome my missing feelings. For your information, he has fair smooth skin and body as lean as a guy should be, an additional bonus perks so let's just call him slicky slimy guy (SSG). Just as I got into his house, my manhood came alive into action and my lips just had a life on its own..needless to mention the heart beat ^_^. So, we started to rub one another to fuel the 'feel' as proclaimed by some people as horny..and the scene goes like this:

Mikey: Oh yeah, you naughty guy...keep going. ( biting his mouth..something I like to do in the middle of kissing ^_^).
SSG: yes..you poor horny boy...you need to be F... every night and day.
Mikey: yes, take me....^_^..please.
SSG carried me over to his bed and put his family jewel for me to taste.
Mikey: get some lube...I have got condom in my bag.
SSG: No..just keep sucking..it's much better..
Mikey: Okie....
time goes on and I keep doing what he seemed to like for hours. Nope..I am not tired yet..and he cum too soon...known as premature ejaculation I supposed.
Mikey: time now for the real action...(grinning ^_^)
SSG: No...you horny boy..that's enough.
Mikey: What do you mean? Enough???? ( he hasnt even Fcuk me yet and enough)
SSG: Nae...I dun want to Fcuk you..
Mikey: what!!!( surprised and much to my dismay).You dont want to Fcuk me..why? Am i not cute enough for ya?
SSG: No...that's not it...(a silence of moment and he took a long pause). It's just that..ahh...shut up...and keep doing that ( pressing my face onto his manhood)
SSG: NO...!!( I resist of course...I won't give up without a fight)..Why don't you Fcuk me...Tell me WHY!!!
SSG: Err..actually..I am too tired to Fcuk you..and you look like a decent boy...I cant do that..too innoncene for that. Besides I don't know you that long enough to FCUK you.
Mikey: What the FCUK? Too tired to FCUK a boy and you call yourself a queer? That just pissed me off and more over you don't trust me enough to FCUK me.
SSG: No, that is not what I mean...you know that....about me having trouble to trust someone too soon..come on mikey..you horny boy.
Mikey: Okie..( What he said trying to defend himself just boiled my blood even more)...I am done..You can go and find someone you trust.

Holly Molly what a maria full of grace he just said not to Fcuk me. Hook ups and no FCUK..what a weirdo you are.

The lesson is, always ask what your sex date want to do before meeting for one night hook-ups.

I MisS yOu

It has been a few months since we last talk about our stuff...sharing jokes..making sweet kisses to one another..but out of sudden...you just dissapear out of nowhere...vanish in the air..with no news about you...leaving me lingering about you all the time..keep thinking...your whereabout....your chat...your monkey stunts you used to pull..I miss you....everything..please come back to me...I want you back.